“I am going to be raped.”

Monday morning’s radio, KUOW-FM Weekday with Steve Scher and his guest Willie Weir. Weir is an “adventure traveler,” predominantly by bicycle. He has a tale about a “fork in the road,” an event that could be life-changing. Could have been life-changing, and not in a positive way. This happened about 20 years ago, alone in a foreign land by the sea.

Weir was looking for a place to pitch his tent. He accepted an offer to be led to a secluded site by a local man. The site was perfect, in a grove of trees just away from a hotel. The threat of sexual assault had never been part of his world. Until then.

Denial, fear, acceptance, and then clarity. The local man was bigger and stronger (not to mention he had a machete). Weir realized that he needed to get closer to the nearby hotel, so he feigned compliance to lull the man into letting his guard down. He began drawing the man closer to the open area near the hotel, breaking the isolation of this perfect camping site. He saw an open door at the hotel, and people just within, so Weir used his voice to attract attention. And the man ran. Weir was now alone.

You can hear Weir’s telling at http://www.kuow.org/podcast/WeekdayA/WeekdayA20120206.mp3 (note: this is the whole show, Weir’s tale begins at about the 31 minute mark).

“This trip was over.” He considered going home right then. He sat on the beach all night, and by morning he had changed his mind and resolved to keep on going.

“Caution keeps you aware. Fear keeps you away.”

Weir felt that if he gave up on his trip and went home, he may never have traveled again. This was about who he wanted to be, and he knew he did not want to live in fear.

After three decades now of bicycle travel, Weir has the experience to exercise caution while still enjoying travels off the beaten path. He understands the risks and the rewards. And the beauty, people, laughs, and adventure outweigh the risks over 100-fold.

I’ve taught self-defense skills to women who travel, with others or often solo. They all have said they learn from their experiences, and wouldn’t give it up for anything. And, as a result, they feel safer, more confident, and more alive.

Aware or away — where would you rather be?

If you could have a super power, what would it be?

Who would you save?  Why?

I’ve been asking my self-defense students that question for about a year now. The answers range from invisibility to flying to super-speed to mind-reading to future-seeing.  Now I want to hear from you.  This is a contest, so yes there are prizes.

First prize: iPod shuffle. Second and third prizes: Amazon.com and iTunes gift cards.

Check out this video describing the contest:

Now visit Strategic Living’s Super Shero page to check out the requirements and online entry form. Get your stuff together and submit. Deadline is April 15th at midnight (Pacific Coast time).

Evil-doers need not apply.

Stephanie Schriger (a/k/a Real Tough Cookie) knows her personal safety products. She makes available an array of pepper spray, personal alarms, stun guns, safety lights, and more, to women looking to augment their personal safety.

Do you know the difference between a stream and a cone? Which is best for the street, and which for more confined quarters? How much do you need? Stephanie’s most recent blog post outlines the types of pepper sprays, and gives guidance for those looking to buy.

And while carrying a non-lethal weapon is a good option for many women, you still should be prepared to defend yourself without one. Just in case.

If you answered new trend in home decor, you’re about a century out of date.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation. It is a way of telling people, especially women, that their opinions and perceptions are out of whack with “reality.” Out of whack with the reality that the manipulator wants to believe, that is.

For a clear and articulate recent article on this topic, read Yashar Ali’s piece in The New Agenda: http://www.thenewagenda.net/2011/09/17/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/comment-page-1/#comment-76411. Read the article to find out how “gaslighting” got its name.

Whenever anyone tells you that you are “over-reacting,” “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or “I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor” (and there are infinitely more variations), they are minimizing and discounting your feelings and perceptions. This is substantially different from someone saying to you, “Wow, I have a totally different understanding of this!” Both may be ways of expressing disagreement, but the former is an aggressive way of denying that your perspective is valid.

Sometimes the person doing the gaslighting is feeling defensive because they don’t care to be “wrong.” Other times, if the person does it on a regular basis, it is plain abuse. Once seen for what it is, it’s simple. Until then, it’s crazy-making.

In today’s self-defense class, we talked about how body language can be used to try and intimidate and invalidate others in a work environment. How to clearly recognize it, and how to use your own body language to minimize its effect on you. How to tell someone, “hey, you’re discounting my opinion, quit it!” And your options, in case they don’t.

Seems that Kansas State House Rep. Pete DeGraaf is having trouble telling a flat tire from a rape.

The Kansas legislature passed a bill banning insurance companies from offering abortion coverage as part of their general coverage (women who would want that coverage would have to buy that separately). During the debate, Rep. Barbara Bollier “questioned whether women would buy abortion-only policies long before they have crisis or unwanted pregnancies or are rape victims.” (As we already know, insurance companies just love to cover “pre-existing conditions.”) Fellow Rep. DeGraaf replied that women should plan ahead for situations such as rape; after all, he plans ahead and carries a spare in his car. Just in case his tire is violently and unwantedly penetrated.

Check out this story in ThinkProgress.org.

While there is nothing wrong with planning ahead for unwanted situations in life (that is what a SIGNIFICANT part of self-defense training is about), Rep DeGraaf’s comparison is totally bogus. Do we ask people to similarly plan ahead for heart disease, by forcing them to buy separate insurance? How about car accidents – will I need to purchase ER coverage because by law it can’t be included in my general medical policy?

The real point is not about planning, it is clearly a blatant attack on women’s abilities to control their own health care, particularly reproductive care. One of the oldest power ploys in the book. Don’t fall for this one.

TED Talks are Ideas Worth Spreading. At least that’s their tag line. And it’s accurate.

TED Talks are recorded and online, and free. The idea is to watch them, and spread them. They’re given by highly thoughtful people, many of them established leaders in their fields, other new emerging intellects. As they say, riveting talks by remarkable people. Watch some, you’ll certainly feel smarter.

Here are a few I’ve watched lately and I deem worth spreading:

Jim Fallon on the neuroscience of psychopathic killers:

Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues, on security:

Bruce Schneier, on “security theater,” where what makes you feel safer may not actually be making you safer. So what will?

Do you have a favorite TED Talk?

Basically, because I am really, really, really far off his radar.  So that’s easy for me to say.

I just read Should Women Fear Charlie Sheen Now?  According to this article, some women should have feared him over a decade ago.  Others may have cause to fear him now.  I would say the degree of fear is directly correlated with one’s physical and emotional proximity to Sheen.  He seems to be a tad unstable, must be the drugs talking.

My professional advice: if you happen to see Charlie Sheen coming, just walk the other way.

BUT I also want to emphasize that if a woman does find herself in close proximity to Sheen and he DOES shove her or throw furniture at her (or both), SHE IS NOT TO BLAME.  Mr. Sheen, drugs or no drugs, is wholly responsible for his actions and should be held accountable for his choices.

Earlier this week, a woman was attacked while jogging in Seward Park. When she saw a man on an isolated trail and her intuition told her to get out of there, she turned.  However, he ran after her, caught up to her, and attacked. The assailant punched her in the face, and she fought back while screaming. Her voice attracted the attention of another man who rushed over, and the assailant fled.

“[S]he encourage[s] other women who find themselves in a similar situation to trust their intuition and do whatever it takes to fend off an attacker. “You’ve got to fight for your life, for sure,” said the woman.”

And she’s sure the police will find the culprit.  “In the meantime, she said she and her neighbors are organizing a self-defense class for women in Seward Park, which they hope to offer in coming weeks.”

Way to go for proactive empowerment!

Read the story in The Seattle Times.

I have to admit, I don’t always agree with my mother. OK, that’s an understatement, we often butt heads.  But, when she does make a good point, it is stellar. And one such stellar bit of advice came many, many years ago. I don’t recall the context at all, she was discussing finances (which she rarely did).  Her piece of advice is to all young women (and if you’ve taken one of my self-defense classes, you have heard me say this) is very simple:

Whatever life brings, whatever relationship, marriage, partnership, etc., you  find yourself in, make sure you ALWAYS have a bank account in YOUR NAME ONLY.  And make sure that it contains enough money for you to rent an apartment and cover living expenses for at least a few months.

Nobody plans on entering into an abusive relationship. However, life does not always go according to plan, and for that you have to plan. Are you with me?

If you are trying to leave an abusive partner, you’ll need cash.
One common characteristic of abusers is control of household finances. You will need your own bank account, in your name only, so that the abuser cannot withdraw all funds to leave you high and dry. And it is a LOT easier if you have your cache before committing to any relationship, since once you’re in you don’t know how easily you’ll be able to accumulate necessary funds.

I’ve taught self-defense classes in homeless day shelters and in transitional housing facilities. I’ve met women who lost everything — and became homeless — because they had to leave their partner but had no funds. There are many, many more women who do not leave their abusers because they are even more afraid of living on the streets.

So take charge of your own destiny, and have some cash cached away. Because, without cold cash, it really sucks to find yourself between an abuser and the cold streets.

Whether or not you use Facebook, you’ve likely heard of the recent ferment over their privacy policy.  One source of confusion is their “policy” shifts more often than a BP executive’s assessment of the Gulf oil spill damage; another is finding all those little control panels that govern who gets to see all those disparate bits of your information.

ReclaimPrivacy.org has developed a tool that scans your Facebook profile and brings up a clickable list of what you can change to increase privacy.  Now that doesn’t mean you HAVE to change those settings — you may want to be found by friends of friends, or everyone, or your city’s network (or not, the choice is yours).  You may want to be tagged in any and all photos (or not).  This tool makes choosing your Facebook’s settings a lot easier.

Then there’s the other option.  Do not include information you do not want public.  When Facebook asked for my date of birth, I put in an “alternative” date which of course is not made visible to anyone, even “friends” (I feel that my birthday is between me, my real-life family and friends, and the IRS).  This is important because even if you elect to keep certain info private, there are Facebook applications that perhaps your friends use that may “leak” some of your info.

[And of course the third option.  Maybe Facebook isn’t your cup of tea.  Some of my (real-life) friends have chosen to not join Facebook because of the nature of their work, or because they’ve decided it is a substantial oversharing of information.]

The internet is not a private space, regardless of “privacy” policies.  Facebook is a free service because of the marketing potential and advertising revenue. Bits of your data will be merged with data from millions of other users to target marketing. “Opt out” rather than “opt in” policies will be a tug-of-war for a while. Before signing up for any social networking site, spend some time contemplating what “privacy” means to you and on a social-commercial site such as Facebook.

A key tenet of self-defense is that YOU choose what information to share with whom. Nobody will simply hand you that right on the internet.  You will increasingly need to take charge of what you provide to others, you will need to define and assert your own boundaries, and to be effective you need to understand today’s ever-changing webscape.