self defense class Seattle Archives

Awareness While Walking: A Success Story

womens self defense success, self defense success stories, self defense students, self defense, Seattle self defense class

An often-asked question, or sometimes it’s not even phrased as a question, is about awareness while walking. Students sometimes say, “I don’t feel I’m as aware as I think I could be, or should be,” and leave that dangling; is it a question, like asking for how to become more aware, or simply a statement of something they’d like to change? Sometimes its parents complaining that their teens are too focused on their phones and not as cognizant of their surroundings as they could be. Whichever, awareness is helpful. Here’s one success story.

One of my students, probably about 7 or 8 years ago, was a high school junior. She was in the six-week Self-Defense 101 class, along with several of her friends. They were all attentive, and took their personal safety seriously as they were becoming more and more independent. One late spring day she and another friend (who was not in this class) were walking down California Avenue in West Seattle, near the Junction. For those not familiar with the area, it’s a commercial street with lots of restaurants, boutiques, and a wide variety of small businesses. Generally a robust and busy street. As they walked and chatted, a young male across the street got her attention. She noticed that he seemed to be keeping pace with her, and each time she glanced over it appeared his head had just quickly swiveled forward. Red flags, by her accounting. Because if you’re walking in public and notice that the same person is in about the same location relative to you several times, they’re very likely following you.

She decided to keep up her awareness while walking, as she and her friend chatted. But when they got to the next Awareness while walking enhances both safety and your enjoyment of the moment intersection, he crossed the street; some streets are “all ways walk” when the pedestrian light goes green, so you can cross at a diagonal, which he did. Now he was in front of them.

As they walked, my student noticed this young man began slowing down. She and her friend were getting closer and closer. When they were just maybe two yards behind, he just stopped. Simple stopped walking. My student and her friend did notice, and moved laterally to walk around him. As they passed, the young man also moved laterally, literally bumping into them. He seemed to stumble.

My student’s friend, who was the one who actually got bumped, turned to the man and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, are you OK?” Apparently she wasn’t sure who did the bumping, even though this guy had to move sideways to bump into them. The guy replied, speaking VERY slowly, “yeah, . . . I think . . . I’m . . .” That’s as far as he got. My student linked arms with her friend, made eye-to-face contact, and told the man, “we really need to be going,” and just walked off with her friend. As they left she began telling her friend about her observations.

Let’s just summarize the red flags she noticed:

He was in the same location, relative to them, several times,
seemed to quickly look away each time she glanced in his direction,
slowed down directly in front of them,
stopped directly in front of them,
moved sideways, right into them, as they tried to walk by,
seemed to stumble (my student thought it was faked), and
tried to keep them present by engaging in a slowed-down conversation.

Note this student could have dismissed any of these behaviors as insignificant, or decided she was over-reacting or even label herself as paranoid. But instead she recognized the overall pattern, and trusted her gut feelings that her “awareness while walking” sense of red flags was real. And that is success.

Stay safe, live life.

April 28, 2022/by Joanne Factor

The Fine Art of Just Saying No

self defense for teen girls, self defense classes for teen girls, boundary setting, self defense awareness, women's self defense, verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills

Today, Wednesday Sept 29, 2021, is fine if somewhat overcast fall day. The leaves on my mini maple trees are turning their fall colors, and it’s just about time to sow the fall cover crop in the garden. Seasonal rituals, so to speak.

I have a few rituals of my own. One is reading the comic section of the Sunday paper. That’s the first section I go for. A couple of weeks ago, more specifically Sept 19, this strip of Between Friends appeared. It certainly felt familiar. As a self-defense teacher for over a quarter of a century, I’ve heard stuff like this. A lot.

the fine art of just saying no

And we go over this in class.

This strip depicts the same character, at different ages, declining an invitation. The teen girl is characterized as not quite getting out a NO and stumbling into acquiescence. The young adult woman is saying that NO, trying to make it more credible with the words “sorry” and “but” as well as an excuse (she has a whole list of possible excuses ready, just for these occasions). The verging-on-middle-age woman has dispensed with “sorry” as well as with using a specific excuse. And the older, wiser woman is just saying NO, because NO is a complete sentence.

There will be times in your life where you mess up, and you should say sorry. Declining an invitation, indeed setting any boundary, should not be such an occasion.

I also generally try to get rid of the BUTs in the middle. BUT is a minimizer — it says you’re not really all that sorry, or that you really would NOT love to.

NO is a complete sentence. Is it too brusque? Consider the relationship with whom you’re having this conversation. Often you really don’t owe them an explanation, and if not please do not feel that you’re being rude by not offering one. Many people feel compelled to have to explain themselves, when they don’t. Explaining yourself to another can indicate a close relationship. Or wanting to be heard and understood by someone you see on a regular basis. Or it can manifest a power imbalance.

A good all-around decline could be:

Thank you for inviting me, I can’t make it
That’s so kind of you, and no thanks
I appreciate your offer of help, and no thanks

If the person presses you on why, try repeating the second clause of the decline. “I just can’t make it.” “No thanks.” “I said no thanks.” Trying to push past your boundary is itself a boundary violation.

In just about all of our classes we cover the fine art of Just Saying No. And, for younger tweens and teens, we have classes more finely tuned to those age group precisely because at different stages they will have different understandings of and skill-sets for boundaries, as well as more built-in power imbalances, as well as enhanced self-consciousness.

Speaking of which, we have a full schedule of in-person classes for the Fall, and I’ve even begun looking at my winter calendar. Classes for tweens, younger teens, older teens. And, of course, classes for those more independent and still seeing more maturity.

What do you think? How well does this comic strip characterize the declining skills of the age groups, in your experience? How do you decline invitations, and how’s that changed over your life so far?

Stay safe, live life.

September 29, 2021/by Joanne Factor

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

self defense for women, self defense classes Seattle, self defense

Good morning again, today is Friday, July 16, 2021, coming to you from the glorious Emerald City that is Seattle, WA. This month we’ve been teaching in-person classes, and it’s been so good to get back to working with students in the same room. Classes are still small, masks are still required, because COVID cases are again on the rise. I’m asking that all students who are eligible be vaccinated, and guess what, you have been! Sure it’s been a small, self-selected sample, and yet it seems that everyone has been eagerly forthright about their vaccination status. You’ve been considerate of the needs of, and risks to, all class participants (that includes yourself).

And that brings us to RESPECT. Not just a great Aretha Franklin song. The word does have a range of nuance, like most meaningful words, and these nuances and contexts make a difference.

You can respect a position. Someone’s job title, station in life, authority. You don’t have to like that person, you don’t have to agree with that person, you don’t have to know that person, and you can still respect their authority. Teachers, pastors, coaches, law enforcement, those are some of the typical positions that expect their authority will be respected.

You can respect a person who has a position of authority. You can hold that individual in high esteem, you can admire them, even revere them. You may consider them an expert. You may not know much about them as a person, but you hold their public persona or accomplishments in high regard. Dr. Anthony Fauci fills that roll for many today.

Or maybe someone you know personally has earned your respect, via their actions and behavior, their honesty and integrity and even expertise.
Dictionary definition - expecting respect as deference
According to my pocket dictionary/thesaurus, one expectation of this kind of respect can be deference. A yielding to someone else’s authority.

Showing respect as consideration of others According to this same dictionary, here’s another aspect to respect. Consideration for others’ rights and wishes. This is how you show respect. On one side, there’s the respect coming to you, on the other there’s you showing respect for someone.

And then there’s the respect of treating someone like, well, another human. Not dependent on status or position or wealth. A basic level of respect, due to the fact that all humans are created equal.

So, what does this have to do with your personal safety? I’ll bet you can see where this is going. There can be conflict when a person has status or a job title or accomplishments and they assume they’re owed respect, but their personal behavior is less than respectable. And maybe they feel you’re not showing enough deference. They may say, or imply, something like since you’re not respecting them, they won’t respect you either. Meaning if you don’t defer to them, they will cease treating you like a human. But these two aspects of respect are neither equivalent nor interchangeable. This is becomes a power dynamic.

In our self-defense classes we talk a lot about recognizing “red flags,” which are boundary violations, often showing up as these power dynamics. Manipulation of respect in this way is a red flag, poking a boundary to see how compliant you could be when confronted with a claim of authority and need for respect. Know your rights, find your allies, and consider how you can limit your contact with that person.

That’s it for today.

We’re continuing in-person self-defense classes through August and September, probably the whole fall. Hopefully ongoing. There will still be a couple of virtual classes. Masks probably will still be required for a while. We want our students and staff to be safe.

So stay safe, live life.

July 16, 2021/by Joanne Factor

The Cruelest Boundary — Time

self defense, verbal self defense, self defense class, self defense Seattle, self determination, DAWN, women's self defense

As a self-defense teacher, I talk a lot about boundaries. Mostly about setting boundaries with other people. While some of those people may mean harm, most just have different ideas of boundaries and could use some guidance as to where theirs and yours more happily connect.

Today I’m looking at a specific set of boundaries you set with yourself. Many of us — I’m certainly in this group — want to experience a lot. I want to travel to Provence and to Tuscany. I want to learn some French and Italian. I want to learn to play guitar better, as well as bass and drums and piano. I already cook well, but I want to be able to de-bone a turkey in 10 minutes. (Why? I don’t know, I don’t even like turkey!) I want to learn to draw. I want better photography skills. I want to write a book. I want to create an online class. I want, I want, I want.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of my wants.

I’m going to tell you something that you probably already know. I certainly have known this for many years, and yet I still need reminding. Of all these wants, the ones you get will be those you MAKE the time for.

For many years I had wanted to understand the social dynamics around domestic violence and to more effectively work with survivors. Because DV is our greatest single risk to personal safety, and as a self-defense teacher that’s an important topic. And yes there are trainings available in my area. But it’s not just a half-day one-and-done workshop. I’d have to carve out a significant chunk of time. Fifty hours of training, then at least a year of volunteer work. I’d been telling myself I wanted to do this for years, yet I never made that time. Until I did. Until I acknowledged that yes, this was a 50 hour training over several months, I may have to put aside another activity or two and re-arrange my schedule, be inconvenienced, drive more, and after the training commit to that volunteering, and was it really worthwhile?

I did it, eight years ago. I said to myself if I don’t ACTIVELY MAKE the time it was not just going to happen. Piss or get off the pot, so to speak. Yes it was inconvenient and time-consuming and some days frustrating. I did forego some income those three months. Afterwards I volunteered each week at the center working with women in different stages of abusive relationships, which isn’t easy to hear (let alone experience). And yes it was worth it. A lot of what I leaned got incorporated into my classes, partly as recognizing “red flags” and partly as how to help or support family or friends who were in unhealthy or abusive relationships.

I often ask my students how they found the class. A lot say they’ve meant to take a self-defense class for a long time, and just happened to be looking through a Seattle Central or Bellevue College catalog, or an online class listing, saw the class, saw it fit into their schedule, and signed up. That’s convenient, and how most of us live most of our lives. Not everything we want will drop into place that easily.

Right now I am looking at my list of wants. What is most essential for my professional development, for personal development, for relationships, and for self-care? What will I actively make time for this year? How about you?

January 5, 2021/0 Comments/by Joanne Factor

Getting Caught in the “Conversation Web”

verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills, perpetrators, self defense, abuse

All of us have had difficult conversations with friends, co-workers, family, etc., where we’ve had to set boundaries. Maybe, in the course of such boundary-setting, the other person took exception and voiced their objections, and you left shaking your head, feeling verbally or emotionally beat up. You’ve just experienced the “conversation web.”

There are many reasons to set boundaries, as well as many possible reactions. The other person may just say OK, and respect your boundaries. They may say OK, but often “forget” (maybe just because they forget, or they’re doing it deliberately). They may be surprised or puzzled because this isn’t something you’ve done in the past.

Or they may express surprise, sorrow, or anger. Among the reasons (and this is NOT a comprehensive list) could be:

fear that you are looking to end a friendship/relationship that they still value
you are looking to change some of your habits that no longer are good for you, but they know you that way (and even may be enablers or co-dependent) and see this as a loss for them
they are manipulative, and manipulators just hate it when they hit boundaries

So they get aggressive. One tactic they may use is the “conversation web.”

You’re chatting with one other person, and they are standing too close for your comfort. You set a boundary. “Hey, my space bubble is a bit bigger than yours,” you tell them as you take a half-step back and bring your hands in front. “I’m more comfortable here.” Most people will just say OK, and leave it at that. But this person takes offense and challenges you. “What, do I smell bad? It was OK yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. Chris and Jamie are OK with it, why aren’t you? That’s just RUDE! Are you PMSing? You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re just too sensitive! I thought we were friends. You are SO selfish! That attitude is messed up. No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

This is the “PARTING SHOT,” where they shoot back negatives hoping to deflate you. It really isn’t about you at all. It’s just them taking their frustrations out on you for daring to have boundaries that are inconvenient (for them). And you can get caught trying to justify why, but no explanation seems good enough for them.

The antidote? The “BROKEN RECORD.” Saying the same phrase over and over and over and over.

Because the whole conversation web is not the other person trying to get to know you better via your explanation. It’s all about you handing over your explanation so it can be shot back at you.

Here’s a dialog about how this would work, taking the statements from above:

THEM: What, do I smell bad?