Getting Caught in the "Conversation Web"

All of us have had difficult conversations with friends, co-workers, family, etc., where we’ve had to set boundaries. Maybe, in the course of such boundary-setting, the other person took exception and voiced their objections, and you left shaking your head, feeling verbally or emotionally beat up. You’ve just experienced the “conversation web.”

There are many reasons to set boundaries, as well as many possible reactions. The other person may just say OK, and respect your boundaries. They may say OK, but often “forget” (maybe just because they forget, or they’re doing it deliberately). They may be surprised or puzzled because this isn’t something you’ve done in the past.

Or they may express surprise, sorrow, or anger. Among the reasons (and this is NOT a comprehensive list) could be:

fear that you are looking to end a friendship/relationship that they still value
you are looking to change some of your habits that no longer are good for you, but they know you that way (and even may be enablers or co-dependent) and see this as a loss for them
they are manipulative, and manipulators just hate it when they hit boundaries

So they get aggressive. One tactic they may use is the “conversation web.”

You’re chatting with one other person, and they are standing too close for your comfort. You set a boundary. “Hey, my space bubble is a bit bigger than yours,” you tell them as you take a half-step back and bring your hands in front. “I’m more comfortable here.” Most people will just say OK, and leave it at that. But this person takes offense and challenges you. “What, do I smell bad? It was OK yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. Chris and Jamie are OK with it, why aren’t you? That’s just RUDE! Are you PMSing? You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re just too sensitive! I thought we were friends. You are SO selfish! That attitude is messed up. No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

This is the “PARTING SHOT,” where they shoot back negatives hoping to deflate you. It really isn’t about you at all. It’s just them taking their frustrations out on you for daring to have boundaries that are inconvenient (for them). And you can get caught trying to justify why, but no explanation seems good enough for them.

The antidote? The “BROKEN RECORD.” Saying the same phrase over and over and over and over.

Because the whole conversation web is not the other person trying to get to know you better via your explanation. It’s all about you handing over your explanation so it can be shot back at you.

Here’s a dialog about how this would work, taking the statements from above:

THEM: What, do I smell bad?