healthy boundaries Archives - Page 3 of 4

Living Through Interesting Times

personal safety, perpetrators, self defense, abuse

Today is Thursday, January 14, of the year 2021. Next week Joseph R. Biden will be sworn in as President of the United States, in a ceremony that threatens to be quite memorable. I generally don’t get very political in these posts. Issues and principles, yes. Today is an exception; we are living through interesting times.

Thanks to last week’s events, some starkly clear lines are truly impossible to ignore. [If you are reading this way in the future, just look up the events leading to President Trump’s second impeachment.] Last week the Capitol Building in Washington, DC was over-run by a large group of Trump supporters in town to attend a rally. At this rally, the outgoing President of the United States said some things that incited them to then march to the Capitol Building, break in, and cause damage to people and property. Among the unruly masses seem to have been some more focused individuals, who had goals of finding specific elected officials, restraining them, possibly physically harming them. In addition, it seems that some individuals who swore to uphold the law instead forwent their oath and enabled the mob. This is not the rule of law. This is not democracy.

Why am I bringing this up, why is this important for your personal safety? (Yes, sooner or later this does get back to personal safety.) I’ll bet you can answer that question. Your personal safety is only as secure as your ability to rely on social institutions for justice and redress. Frankly, that’s been on shaky ground anyways for a long while. However, the last 4 years have exacerbated and highlighted inequities.

What makes this especially relevant are not just those who incite sedition or commit insurrection. They are the tip of the iceberg, the most visible element and that which gets most attention. But there are also the enablers. Those who create and echo lies, engage in the gaslighting, mislead others, often for their own profit. Those who denigrate facts for their own benefit, and to the detriment of others. I’ve written before about enablers (most recently about the documentary Athlete A), and why more people don’t report crimes committed against them. To repeat: It’s not just the perpetrators, though they are a critical ingredient. It’s also those who support perpetrators. Those who engage in distraction, gaslighting, and threats to intimidate those targeted and garner support from bystanders. Not just the Trumps, but the Giulianis, Alex Joneses, and Steve Bannons, who stand to gain from their support but at the expense of others.

Stay tuned for more living through interesting times.

January 14, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Feeling Safety

personal safety, safety tips, self defense Seattle, women's self defense, self defense, abuse

The last couple of months I’ve written about recognizing (and fixing) boundary violations, finding support, and building community. All are essential aspects of personal safety. And, for my final post of this year (still 2020), I’m turning towards feeling safety, i.e., recognizing what is (or is not) “safety.”

Safety is situational. We all move through different environments each day. Leaving home, commuting to work or school, going out for lunch, meeting up with some friends in a park afterwards . . . each place has its own levels of safety. What does safety look or feel like for each?
Safety is making choices. Safety is the ability to navigate your course in life while minimizing the risk of harm. The ability to make informed choices is a prerequisite for sustainable safety.
Does familiarity = safety? Most of us feel safer in familiar environments. Places we already know, when others we know, like and trust are nearby. “Where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came,” to trot out that old TV sitcom theme. Or even if we are physically alone, we can be on the phone with someone (while we may feel safer, we may not actually be safer). “There’s safety in numbers,” says the cliche. At the same time, most assaults against women are committed by someone known. Over half homicides where the victim is female is committed by a current or former intimate partner. The assailant abuses familiarity to gain access to commit assault.

Think about your different environments. Work. School. Home. Shopping. Commuting. Public space. Social gathering. Maybe you can add something specific to your life. Pick one.

Get out a piece of paper and a pen, or colored pens. Consider how you’d know you’re “safe” in that place. Make a list. It could be bullet-point or mind-map organized, just begin putting thoughts down what safety in a specific space would look and feel like.

I picked Home. Take a look at this video for what I consider important for feeling safety at home. Now do the same yourself. You may come up with similar results, or yours may be different. Regardless, they are your choices. Make them.

Safety at Home from Joanne Factor on Vimeo.

December 21, 2020/by Joanne Factor

Creating Support and Safer Spaces

preventing sexual assault, perpetrators, women's self defense

Over the last month I’ve written about seeking support (several posts, in fact: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). Finding family, friends, even professionals, who would be supportive should you need help. Finding safer spaces. While that help can be material, mostly in our self-defense classes we talk about emotional support. This post follows Part 3, where at the end I talk about not just finding support but your role in creating a supportive community.

Here is a book that addresses those same concerns: Making Spaces Safer, by Shawna Potter. The subtitle says it all. “A guide to giving harassment the boot wherever you work, play, and gather.” Because whether you are out to make a living, have fun, or change the world, contending with the extra obstacles of harassment is an unwanted detraction. It diverts your energy from what you want.

Making Spaces Safer, by Shawna Potter

The ideas Potter puts forward are based in her work with Hollaback! in Baltimore, as well as with her workshops as she toured with her band. They are simple in concept, but as with most simple ideas they can be hard to implement. There are folks for whom the status quo is just fine and see no need to change, or who are advantaged by ignoring harassment, or who just hate change and what it may represent.

Let’s get back, though, to the simple. Really, it’s like all the stuff you should have learned in kindergarten. About asking first and sharing and saying please and thank you. Let’s get to some specifics.

Prioritize the needs and testimony of the person who experienced harassment. That individual’s sense of security and self-determination just took a big hit. While that sounds straightforward, many agencies don’t do this.
That individual should have some control over the process. What are their choices? Can they freely make choices?
- If you are the person hearing the account, what is your role? Do you manage the space where the harassment happened? Can you find a place for that person to be more comfortable so they can tell you what happened, and the remedy they’d like?
  - For example, if you manage a club, you can offer to keep an eye on the harasser, take the harasser aside for a conversation, or remove them from the premises. Who makes that decision? Most of the time it is the manager, and Potter is saying it should be the person who experienced the harassment.
Validate that person’s experience! I’ve used that concept for a while, in the area of self-care. Find a trusted, supportive ally, someone who believes you and reminds you that the harassment was not your fault.

About now you may be shaking your head and thinking about how this is all well and good, but just not practical. Well, it is.

Homeroom is a restaurant in Oakland, California. They serve mac & cheese. Some sides, but their raison d’etre is mac & cheese. Comfort food. Erin Wade, chef and owner, wants everyone to feel comfortable. So she was appalled when she found out that some customers had been harassing the servers, and that managers were doing little about it. They had a meeting, and she heard a lot more that had not been reported. Not OK with Wade (did I mention that before starting this restaurant she was a lawyer?). They instituted new procedures, and shifted control. Really simple, too, based on color coding. Incidents were graded yellow, orange, or red. A yellow meant that a server reported an uncomfortable vibe or look to a manager, and the manager would take over that table if the server chooses. An orange is inappropriate comments, and the manager does take over that table. A red is overt sexual comments or physical touching, and the customer is ejected from the restaurant. Please read these two articles for more details:

Note the critical change is that it is the servers who decide what level each incident warrants, and the manager has their roles already prescribed. No need to wonder if the customer really intended that, or if the staff was just too sensitive that day. The power is in the hands of the (mostly female) server staff, rather than the (mostly male) manager. (BTW, Wade also then recognized the gendered job levels and was seeking to change that also.) And this system works because it has become the company culture. Because Wade sought to shift the balance of power, support that shift, and deliberately make her restaurant a safer space.

December 3, 2020/by Joanne Factor

Getting Support – Part 3

self defense, self-care, preventing sexual assault, personal safety planning, personal safety, self defense issue, boundary setting, healing from child abuse, consent, safety planning, self care, blaming the victim, women's self defense

These last 2 weeks I’ve been outlining finding support after assault. Self-care is a critical aspect of anyone’s overall safety plan, and the central pillar of self-care is knowing who among your family and friends could support you after any assault, regardless of outcome. Two weeks ago I began outlining traits of those individuals, with my thumbnail sketch of what a supportive human does.

They listen.
They believe you.
They remind you it wasn’t your fault.

Two weeks ago I described what listening looks and sounds like. Last week I described what believing you and reminding you it wasn’t your fault looks and and sound like. Today I have a few more words on blame and fault-finding, and then move on to creating community.

First, some words about those who habitually blame victims for their own assaults. This is chronic in domestic violence, where the abuser is manipulating the target’s perception. Very often also manipulating the perception of those around, cutting off ways of getting support. This is often described as “gaslighting.” It is a long-term strategy for you to relinquish control and hand over decision-making.

Getting support? Not from them!

A major process in our culture is an adversarial approach — our justice system and political system are set up to pit two sides against each other, there are defined rules and referees, they duke it out like a boxing or martial arts sparring match, and a winner is picked. So it’s not really a surprise that some of us expand that view, that life is a brutal competition. It bleeds into other parts of our lives, where there are no explicit rules, no referee, and it’s not a good fit. And it’s all about power.

There does not need to be a long-term relationship for blame-shifting to occur. People who harm others often try to shift attention away from themselves and their actions to what the victim did “wrong.” The stereotypical ones include “what was she wearing,” “how much did she drink,” and “she was flirting.” Others in our communities, like ourselves, want to stay safe and part of their process, though, is to find out details about what happened to others and resolve to not make the same “mistakes.” Except there’s a big problem with this approach. The person targeted may have done something different, and it may have made a difference, or maybe not. There are people who do “wrong” stuff all the time — they smile at strangers, they drink a lot, maybe even pass out on a friend’s couch. And didn’t get assaulted. Because there was no assailant present. The common elements of all assault isn’t clothing choices or alcohol consumption or flirting, it’s the person(s) who made the bad choice to take what they wanted, regardless of consent.

Do you want to wait until after an assault to figure out who your supportive friends are? Probably not. Rather, you can be cultivating those relationships now.

My colleague Yehudit Sidikman of ESD Global suggested in a recent blog post that you practice talking about “what-if” scenarios with those important people in your life. One of her examples is, “mom, if something like this [kind of assault] ever happened to me, how would you react if I told you?” Or begin a conversation with a good friend like, “ I’ve never had this happen to me, but I am wondering how you would react if I came to you and told you that [add story].” Maybe there was a recent assault in the news, you could use that as your example. Or a particular #MeToo story. Their responses can give you some information about what they think about assault and blame. We do all know that there’s often a gap between what a person says and what they will do, so please temper this with what you already know about them. But, perhaps more importantly, it will also give them food for thought. And this does not have to be a “one-off” discussion, and should not be a one-off. You transition that “what-if” into a conversation on what it means to be supportive, to be a friend, do you want to be supportive, when do you feel it important to be supportive. When these conversations happen with a few people in your circle, and it becomes less awkward, you get a better sense of where people are at. You find those who share your values, and you maybe even move others to really think about what support means.

Building these relationships takes a while. And it is critical. And that’s how communities begin, one relationship at a time.

Why don’t you begin with the very next conversation you have with someone close? Today is not too soon.

November 18, 2020/0 Comments/by Joanne Factor

Getting Support – Part 2

blaming the victim, women's self defense, self defense, self-care, preventing sexual assault, personal safety planning, personal safety, self defense issue, boundary setting, healing from child abuse, consent, safety planning, self care

Today, November 11, is Veterans Day. The one day where we as a nation formally thank those who served our country with their military service. Parades, taking out old photos and uniforms, visits to memorials. We recognize all those who served. At the same time, as a nation we are less caring about veterans’ getting support they need.

For about 12 years (between 2003 and 2014) I worked with Dr. Wendy David, Dr. Ann Cotton, and the VA Medical Center in Seattle on the Taking Charge project. This 12-week self-defense program was for women veterans who were suffering from long-term, chronic PTSD as a result of sexual assault while in military service. (Unfortunately, the program ended when Dr. David retired.) If you are familiar with PTSD, you know it’s not pretty. Watch this short video for more on the effects and possible causes.

While this blog post not an exposition on PTSD, I have to note there’s a significant correlation between social support and the likelihood of an assault survivor developing PTSD. One commonality all the participants in Taking Charge had was a lack of support from those around them after their assaults. Our culture does come with a large victim-blaming component, and sorting out those who can be supportive from those who won’t is likely to be critical to your long-term health and happiness.

Last week I began outlining how to find those individuals who would be supportive, with my thumbnail sketch of what a supportive human would do.

They listen.
They believe you.
They remind you it wasn’t your fault.

Last week’s post was on the first bullet point, listening. Today I’m moving on to the other two.

They believe you. Most women are assaulted by someone known to them, particularly in cases of sexual assault. They may be a friend, a co-worker, a classmate, a colleague, a family member. Because of that, others you know will also know that assailant. When you confide in someone in that same circle, it can get complicated. That person may be struggling to wrap their brains around what you are telling them, which may be totally counter to their own experiences with the assailant. They’re trying to figure out how someone they know as a kind and generous soul could have done something so wrong. We humans do not do well with that sort of cognitive dissonance. That can come out as questioning your account of what happened, which comes across as non-supportive. One option is to confide in someone from another social circle. Another is to cultivate relationships of support, which is the topic of next week’s blog post.

Finally, a supportive person will remind you that the assault was not your fault. Period. End of sentence. It is so common for the person assaulted (or targeted) to go over details again and again and again in their heads, trying to figure out if they could have, should have, done something different. Maybe there is something they could have done differently. It may or may not have made a difference. It’s overlooking the fact that someone else made that choice to harm someone. That’s right, the assailant is not like a fast-moving river into which you slip and fall. Rivers don’t make choices to injure or drown people. But people do. The assailant is the person who is responsible for their actions. If you are the listener, please make it a point to remind your friend/family member of that.

And, in a nutshell, that’s how you know someone is supportive. But, do you really want to wait until you are in need to find those trusted, supportive folks? No. Next week we’ll look at building supportive communities.

November 11, 2020/by Joanne Factor

Getting Support – Part 1

self care, blaming the victim, women's self defense, self defense, self-care, preventing sexual assault, personal safety planning, personal safety, self defense issue, boundary setting, healing from child abuse, consent, safety planning

I’ve been teaching self-defense for over 25 years. And for most of those years I’ve been teaching that self-care is an essential part of everyone’s safety and self-defense planning. Self-care covers a wide range of actions, like exercise or meditation or listening to music or watching funny cat videos on YouTube or a glass of wine or seeking medical care or . . . pick your top three ways to calm yourself when upset or anxious. My personal favorite is playing music — drumming along to some of my all-time favorite songs, or muddling through a guitar chord progression with overdrive and reverb.

But, if I had to pick just ONE self-care practice as most critical, it has to be getting support from other people. We humans are social creatures. Any assault, or attempted assault, regardless of outcome, often feels isolating and like a loss of control over important aspects of life. Connecting with another human helps offset that, but only when that other human is supportive. We do live in a highly victim-blaming culture, and have to recognize that not every one of our acquaintances (or even family or closer friends) will be open to supporting you.

Over the years I’ve heard from several students that, when confiding in those who they assumed would be supportive, were met with statements such as “what did you expect,” or “you sure won’t make that mistake again,” or “I hope you learned something from that experience,” or “how could you let that happen to you.” As humans, we will often look to safety, or at least to mitigate and manage risks. Some people’s interest in hearing about others’ misfortunes is to “inform” themselves so they won’t make the same “mistakes.” And sometimes they will think they are helping by informing you of their conclusions. It may not mean they are a bad person, but it does mean they don’t have (or are not willing to make available) emotional bandwidth for you.

But let’s get back to getting support. How would we recognize that supportive human? Is there a covert signal or secret handshake?

By what they do. Here’s my thumbnail sketch of what a supportive human would do.

They listen.
They believe you.
They remind you it wasn’t your fault.
Getting support from a trusted friend or family member is an important component in healing from assault.

I’m going to go over each of these three items. In this blog post, it’s listening. Next couple of weeks will cover believing and not blaming you. And then we’ll tie it up with steps for the future.

First, though, I strongly suggest that you give a potential listener a heads-up that you’d like to share something uncomfortable. Give them a chance to assess their readiness to offer support. Or, if necessary, set their own boundaries. Even the best supporters are not available 24/7 to everyone (self-care, remember?). An important part of getting support is that the support has to be voluntarily given!

Someone who is listening is really LISTENING, rather than trying to figure out their snappy reply. Listening is NOT letting you talk for 10, 20, or 60 seconds, then interrupting with “hey did you try THIS? You coulda done THAT, you shoulda done THAT, I woulda done . . . ” Thank that person for their time, and move on. They don’t have bandwidth for you.

Rather, listening involves taking in what that other person is offering. A really good listener will treat what you’re saying as a gift, and if they have the emotional space they will be paying attention to what you are saying and the event’s impact on you. You may hear something more like, “That sounds horrible, I’m so sorry you had that experience! I am here for you.” And now is where listening is super important. The listener could assess if you need to just talk, or if they are looking for advice, or if they have their next steps and want your help. And, dear listener, it’s OK to ask. Do keep in mind that part of the trauma of assault is the feeling that control over ones life has been torn away; one goal of the listener is to help empower those hurt by making sure their choices are really theirs.

Next week, we look at the other two items on my list, believing and reminding that assault is not your fault.

November 4, 2020/by Joanne Factor

Eerie in October

safety planning, warning signs of domestic violence, discounting womens opinions, feminist self defense, domestic violence, dating violence, violence against women, women fight back, fighting domestic violence

It is now October. Eerie in October. The touch of the autumn air in the morning is damp and foggy; even after the fog burns off and the sun emerges, there’s still that after-chill. Leaves, turning brilliant reds, yellows and orange, are just beginning to drift to earth. The coral maple in my front yard is pretty nice! Eerie in October coral bark maple tree

Halloween, just one evening of ghosts and ghouls, spirits and spectres, will be here in the wink of an eye. Just three days from now.

October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Unlike Halloween, though, domestic violence is not limited to that one evening in October, nor should we be aware only these 31 days. Domestic violence is a wraith that stalks its prey all year long. Abuse victims can be haunted even after the relationship ends: they are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety than are others, often less able to form long-term loving and healthy relationships, and more likely to engage in harmful, high-risk behaviors, according to the DHHS Office of Women’s Health [Sidenote: I used to cite a page from the Center for Disease Control website for domestic violence, but it seems that page on the effects of DV has vanished and I could not find a comparable one on the CDC site. Frankly, CDC, you lost some credibility with me this year — you know those COVID “recommendations” that were tainted by political ambition. So how about you get back to recommendations based on science? Then we can talk about re-building trust. In the meantime, maybe we need to take a break from each other.]

In the 1970s the phrase “the personal is political” gained traction among feminists as women recognized that individual incidents and abuses were commonplace, even routine. And they were socially OK, and systemic. What does that mean?

Let’s say you do not abuse your significant other, but your buddy does and you know about it but you ignore it, don’t bring it up, don’t ask about it, don’t offer help, don’t express concern, but hang out with your buddy like always, and so do everyone else, that makes is socially OK. Socially OK means there’s no consequences for that behavior, and in the case of DV that should not be OK. Systemic means that the issue isn’t taken seriously as a social problem, but rather as a rare individual issue or a personal failing, so few social resources are devoted. That means there’s a lack of available assistance for someone who is being abused. Furthermore, if said abused person decides to speak up, there’s a good chance they will end up socially isolated, financially damaged, and relegated to society’s fringes. Also not OK!

Women have put up with abuse for various reasons. We heard that’s just the way it was, or that’s just life as a woman in modern America so deal with it. Or “boys will be boys.” Or there would be consequences, such as sexual assault, physical battery, or homicide. Those possibilities would hang out like an elephant in the room, ignored and unnamed, a vile presence always felt even if invisible.

If you know a someone in an abusive relationship, please download this flyer and send it to them. If you are into planning and lists, take a look at this inventory for safety planning. Send it to their friends also — they probably feel like they’re watching a bad horror movie, powerless to intervene. In fact, send it to anyone you know. It may save them from this nightmare later. Do your part to exorcise this demon now, for the whole year.

October 28, 2020/by Joanne Factor

Getting Caught in the “Conversation Web”

perpetrators, self defense, abuse, verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills

All of us have had difficult conversations with friends, co-workers, family, etc., where we’ve had to set boundaries. Maybe, in the course of such boundary-setting, the other person took exception and voiced their objections, and you left shaking your head, feeling verbally or emotionally beat up. You’ve just experienced the “conversation web.”

There are many reasons to set boundaries, as well as many possible reactions. The other person may just say OK, and respect your boundaries. They may say OK, but often “forget” (maybe just because they forget, or they’re doing it deliberately). They may be surprised or puzzled because this isn’t something you’ve done in the past.

Or they may express surprise, sorrow, or anger. Among the reasons (and this is NOT a comprehensive list) could be:

fear that you are looking to end a friendship/relationship that they still value
you are looking to change some of your habits that no longer are good for you, but they know you that way (and even may be enablers or co-dependent) and see this as a loss for them
they are manipulative, and manipulators just hate it when they hit boundaries

So they get aggressive. One tactic they may use is the “conversation web.”

You’re chatting with one other person, and they are standing too close for your comfort. You set a boundary. “Hey, my space bubble is a bit bigger than yours,” you tell them as you take a half-step back and bring your hands in front. “I’m more comfortable here.” Most people will just say OK, and leave it at that. But this person takes offense and challenges you. “What, do I smell bad? It was OK yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. Chris and Jamie are OK with it, why aren’t you? That’s just RUDE! Are you PMSing? You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re just too sensitive! I thought we were friends. You are SO selfish! That attitude is messed up. No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

This is the “PARTING SHOT,” where they shoot back negatives hoping to deflate you. It really isn’t about you at all. It’s just them taking their frustrations out on you for daring to have boundaries that are inconvenient (for them). And you can get caught trying to justify why, but no explanation seems good enough for them.

The antidote? The “BROKEN RECORD.” Saying the same phrase over and over and over and over.

Because the whole conversation web is not the other person trying to get to know you better via your explanation. It’s all about you handing over your explanation so it can be shot back at you.

Here’s a dialog about how this would work, taking the statements from above:

THEM: What, do I smell bad?