Supporting Survivors

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Today is November 4, 2021, which means October is done for this year.  BUT, even though October, a/k/a Domestic Violence Awareness Month, is over, domestic violence has not yet ended. So I’m offering one more segment on DV.  About supporting survivors.

First, understand a bit about abusive dynamics. The abuser is seeking power and control over their partner. Part of that process can be by socially isolating their target, the survivor. That can happen by physically moving away from family and friends, or by socially alienating family and friends when together, or by telling the target that others are not good or healthy for them. Or by even outright banning contact, and engaging in abusive behavior if that dictum is violated.

Sometimes the survivor does not recognize the abusive dynamic, because they are emotionally invested in making the relationship work. Or they recognize the abuse but do care about and love their partner, and view the abusive incidents either as deserved or one-off acting out due to stress. Or they recognize the abuse and want out, but the abuser won’t let go without a fight.

When I was working on the DV crisis line, a common call was from family or friends of those in abusive relationships. They wanted to help support survivors, but did not know how. What to say, what to do, what to offer, how long it would take. On the flip side, survivors often struggle to find really useful support.

Second, understand this is a long-term process. A person doesn’t get into an abusive relationship overnight, it takes time and cultivation. They may try to leave several times, but something goes wrong and they return.  That can be frustrating to others around.

As I mentioned, the abuser is trying to control the survivor. As family and friends who care, we don’t want to fall into that same pattern by telling the survivor what to do: survivors too often hear that they need to leave now, that this has gone on too long, to just get out of the relationship, not just whine about it, and feel free to contact me when you’re serious about leaving.

Or family and friends sometimes ask what the survivor did to antagonize the abuser. Maybe you’re not good enough, you’re too selfish, you’re not being a good partner, you vowed til death do us part, “we” don’t just split up families.

These are not the most supportive options, although those who say these sorts of things are sure they are coming from a caring place.

Instead of “what did you do to get into this mess,” you could say “I’m concerned about your safety; nobody should treat you like that.”

Instead of “I’ve told you many times I don’t like them; I hope you learned something from this,” you could say “I’m glad you’re telling me, I’ve been worried about you, it must be upsetting to have someone you care about hurt you.”

Instead of “I did warn you about them, I wish you listened to me back then. I can’t stand around and watch this. When you’re ready to do something, let me know” you could say “you don’t deserve this, I really do want to help and I’ll just listen if that helps. I’m here for you.”

And listen. The abuser already gives lots of “advice.” What does the survivor want? How can you help make that happen? Sometimes they are seeking concrete advice. Sometimes they want to be heard and believed, and that alone can be validating and powerful.  Supporting survivors should be on their terms.

These common statements and alternatives are based in the training I got from DAWN’s DV Institute. DAWN provides support for persons experiencing domestic/dating/intimate partner violence, primarily in south King County.

Finally, take care of yourself. Really listening to and supporting survivorsSupporting each other, supporting survivors is wonderful, and you’ll probably hear stuff you wish you hadn’t. Find your own supportive friends and family. Recognize you could be in this for a while; as I mentioned earlier, this is a long-term process. Figure out how to manage your own frustration without taking it out on the survivor you are trying so hard to support.

We are approaching the end of 2021. Not a whole lot of new classes for the rest of this year, but there still are openings for both Teen Girls and Women. Stay tuned for Winter offerings — although two six-week courses are open for registration.

Stay safe, live life.

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Eerie in October

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It is now October.   Eerie in October.  The touch of the autumn air in the morning is damp and foggy; even after the fog burns off and the sun emerges, there’s still that after-chill. Leaves, turning brilliant reds, yellows and orange, are just beginning to drift to earth.  The coral maple in my front yard is pretty nice!Eerie in October coral bark maple tree

Halloween, just one evening of ghosts and ghouls, spirits and spectres, will be here in the wink of an eye.  Just three days from now.

October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Unlike Halloween, though, domestic violence is not limited to that one evening in October, nor should we be aware only these 31 days. Domestic violence is a wraith that stalks its prey all year long. Abuse victims can be haunted even after the relationship ends: they are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety than are others, often less able to form long-term loving and healthy relationships, and more likely to engage in harmful, high-risk behaviors, according to the DHHS Office of Women’s Health  [Sidenote:  I used to cite a page from the Center for Disease Control website for domestic violence, but it seems that page on the effects of DV has vanished and I could not find a comparable one on the CDC site.  Frankly, CDC, you lost some credibility with me this year — you know those COVID “recommendations” that were tainted by political ambition.  So how about you get back to recommendations based on science?  Then we can talk about re-building trust.  In the meantime, maybe we need to take a break from each other.]

In the 1970s the phrase “the personal is political” gained traction among feminists as women recognized that individual incidents and abuses were commonplace, even routine. And they were socially OK, and systemic.   What does that mean?

Let’s say you do not abuse your significant other, but your buddy does and you know about it but you ignore it, don’t bring it up, don’t ask about it, don’t offer help, don’t express concern, but hang out with your buddy like always, and so do everyone else, that makes is socially OK.  Socially OK means there’s no consequences for that behavior, and in the case of DV that should not be OK.  Systemic means that the issue isn’t taken seriously as a social problem, but rather as a rare individual issue or a personal failing, so few social resources are devoted.  That means there’s a lack of available assistance for someone who is being abused.  Furthermore, if said abused person decides to speak up, there’s a good chance they will end up socially isolated, financially damaged, and relegated to society’s fringes.  Also not OK!

Women have put up with abuse for various reasons. We heard that’s just the way it was, or that’s just life as a woman in modern America so deal with it. Or “boys will be boys.”  Or there would be consequences, such as sexual assault, physical battery, or homicide. Those possibilities would hang out like an elephant in the room, ignored and unnamed, a vile presence always felt even if invisible.

If you know a someone in an abusive relationship, please download this flyer and send it to them. If you are into planning and lists, take a look at this inventory for safety planning. Send it to their friends also — they probably feel like they’re watching a bad horror movie, powerless to intervene. In fact, send it to anyone you know. It may save them from this nightmare later. Do your part to exorcise this demon now, for the whole year.

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My First Morning at DAWN

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I (almost) completed DAWN’s 50 hour training to work as a volunteer domestic violence advocate, and today was my first day on the crisis line. Actually, I didn’t talk to any of the callers — I shadowed an advocate to listen in on what she’d say to callers, did data entry on each call, learned about available resources, etc.

This was a busy morning, with one call following another following another. Moms worried about their daughters’ relationships, a woman looking for immediate shelter, a soon-to-be-ex-wife looking for financial help to get through a dragged-out divorce. There’s a lot of need out there, at the very least for accurate information on the law, your rights, and access to the myriad of resources available.  It feels good to be able to connect a person in need with the help they are seeking, to bring just a bit of relief to someone in the anxiety of crisis.

The next volunteer training is in late June.  There’s always the need for volunteers, so if you are looking for a super-worthwhile cause, this could be it.  I’ll be checking the schedule to make up those classes I missed while out of town, so maybe I’ll see you there.

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