Tag Archive for: healthy boundaries

The Socially Skilled Child Molester

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About a month ago I posted about a book I just read, Identifying Child Molesters, by Carla van Dam, PhD (2001). Today I’m reporting on another of her books, The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused (2006). While there’s a lot of overlap in content between the two, the difference of five years does give each its own flavor.
Book: The Socially Skilled Child Molester by Carla van Dam PhD
A bit more historical context for Dr. van Dam’s work. In the 1990s, “stranger danger” was the big thing. However, most children who are harmed, both then and now, are targeted by someone they know. Dr. van Dam’s 2001 book detailed strategies used by these abusers.

In this second book, Dr. van Dam draws us composite of a few types of child molesters, based on thousands of interviews. Each composite profile is characterized by their particular approach to grooming the communities, parents, and children upon whom they prey.

  • Businessman Bob is successful and charming. Even after being convicted of molesting his oldest daughter and going through “treatment,” he is welcomed back into the community and even manages to wrest custody of his three younger daughters from his ex-wife.
  • Marvelous Moving Marvin, an enthusiastic young man, seems always available for baby-sitting, helping out at summer camps, winter camps, day care, you name it. When too many rumors about inappropriate behavior around the youth begin swirling, though, he moves on to another town and begins the process all over again.
  • The Divine Dr. Dan is a diligent medical doctor, who misuses his expertise to make sure all the boys on his camping or fishing or baseball or skiing trips are healthy by taking their temperatures rectally and examining their penises.
  • Cranky Coach Carl is not particularly socially skilled, but he makes up for that by being a winning coach. His peculiarities are masked by the league considering him “old school” and just a bit of a disciplinarian.
  • Bottom-Feeder Buddy is likewise not particularly socially skilled, not to the same level as Bob, Marvin, or Dan. But then he sets his sights lower, going after struggling single moms (with daughters) who are SO happy to be dating a man who occasionally does laundry and makes a dinner.  He, too, moves on to another town as the daughters age out of his interest.

In The Socially Skilled Child Molester, Dr. van Dam frames this abuse as a form of addiction. There are implications to thinking sexual abuse as paralleling substance abuse. The abusers have organized their whole lives around grooming families, setting up situations, and gaining access to children. Every relationship, career choice, or location move is based on access to molesting children. And, unless they get treatment, they will continue that behavior.

Can they successfully be treated? Two of these composite characters went through “treatment,” and learned how to better mask their tracks in the future.

Dr. van Dam refers many times to how others often enable abusers, citing the then-recent example of the Catholic Church moving abusive priests from parish to parish, without ever giving parishioners any warning. Maybe you remember that 20 years ago, in 2002, The Boston Globe published a series of articles exposing how bishops would move abusive priests, come to private deals with families that included clauses that barred victims and families from every discussing it, and the immense number of sealed court documents. In a nutshell, the idea was that each incident would be considered just a one-off, that any errant priest was a lone offender, and the real magnitude of the issue got buried. Until reporters at The Boston Globe ran their exposé.

The subtitle of this book is Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused. Dr. van Dam does bring that topic up a few times. Her thinking is that the guilty are the addicts who organize their lives around finding, grooming, and molesting targets. The innocent, on the other hand, do not. I’m not sure, though, that she focuses enough on that topic to make it a whole subtitle. Perhaps it’s what we’d now call a click-bait title. Because overall we are so afraid of embarrassing or ruining the reputation of a charming professional person who happens to offer very convenient services that we feel initially better off overlooking their “idiosyncrasies.” Unless it hits your family.  As Dr. van Dam states in the Introduction, “[t]he consistency of the practices and strategies of the well-socialized Groomers being examined in this book are successful because of continued public ignorance.”   To borrow a phrase from another famous public figure, as long as we willfully ignore another inconvenient truth, we will continue to allow these molesters to hide in plain sight.

Recognizing the ploys and manipulations of child molesters, as well as adult molesters, is an essential part of our curricula.  Visit our website to find a class that fits your needs.

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Dating Violence Awareness

Last month, February, was, among other designations, Dating Violence Awareness Month.  I’ve heard a statistic that 80% of parents could not correctly identify potential warning signs that their teen was in an abusive relationship.  It’s almost understandable, for many teens that time of life is marked by emotional volatility.  Parents could — if they were not aware that for teens dating violence is quite common — easily believe that their child was just going through a phase.  Or maybe they want to believe that dating violence happens to others, the less fortunate ones.  Or maybe the parents know and like the abuser, and are not believing that person could be an abuser.

Oftimes teens themselves are reluctant to tell parents.  They might fear they will not be believed, or they will be blamed for the abuse, or some of their newly-gained independence will be rescinded.  All possible.  Yet, overall, we do need for teens to have safe, supportive people in their lives.  

For several years I was a guest lecturer for one of Seattle Central College’s Women’s Studies classes.  Each October (Domestic Violence Awareness Month) I gave a self-defense presentation which included recognizing behaviors constituting abuse.  Not just specific behaviors, but recognizing patterns of controlling and coercive behaviors.  How these actions served to isolate the target from supportive family and trusted friends, limited the target’s choices in many areas, and erase the target’s sense of their own identity as a person.  

I would hang up a clothesline (yes, one that could be used to hang up the wash) across the room.  On that clothesline I put 4 tags:  Annoying, Disrespectful, Dangerous, and Life-Threatening.  Annoying meant that someone was poking one of your boundaries, it seemed pretty small even if noticeable, and you weren’t sure if you should speak up.  Disrespectful would be a boundary poke on the Annoying level, but now you’re sure it was on purpose.  Dangerous is a boundary violation that included a risk of harm.  And Life-Threatening didn’t have to mean you would die, it meant your quality of life would significantly change for the worse, maybe for the rest of your life.  These 4 tags are markers along a continuum of snippets of behavior.

I’d have a bunch of other tags, each with specific acts, the snippets of behaviordating violence awareness.  Here are a few, think about where you’d place them along the continuum:

  • Puts me down in front of my friends
  • Always keeps a hand on me
  • Stares at me
  • Is constantly calling and checking up on me
  • Insists on paying for a date
  • Says their jealousy is because they love me so much
  • Tells others things I told them in confidence
  • Tells me I’m stupid when I express an opinion
  • Told others I slept with them
  • Makes me feel afraid
  • Stands too close
  • Called me “crazy”
  • Forced me to kiss them
  • Gets upset if I want to spend time with family or other friends
  • Keeps asking me out after I’ve said “no”
  • Blames me for anything that goes awry
  • Won’t let me sleep when they are angry
  • Constantly criticizes my choice of clothing, movies, food

This is just a smattering of snippets.  There are many, many more.  The most important lesson gleaned from this exercise is that abuse may begin with “annoying” behavior, but repetition and escalation to disrespectful, dangerous, or beyond marks the pattern as abusive.  Recognizing the beginning stages is key to dating violence awareness.

After class, I always had a couple of student approach me.  Their stories were fundamentally the same.  The had this significant other who engaged in so many of these behaviors, and told them outright that this was “normal” for a relationship, that they would never get better, that their expectations were ridiculous, that they were crazy.  (BTW, these statements can also go on our continuum.)   They were relieved to find out no, they were not “crazy” or had unreasonable expectations, that their experiences had a name and were defined as controlling and abusive.  

I wondered why they did not learn that before entering college.

Many in my adult classes express chagrin that they too did not learn to recognize these behaviors earlier in life.  Dating violence awareness, for quite a few people, gets learned later than they expected.

Maybe some parents don’t recognize the signs of abuse because they didn’t learn it, or have learned to accept that behavior as normal.  

It’s never too late to learn that you don’t have to cater to manipulative and abusive people.  And maybe we should learn these fact earlier.

Stay safe, live life.

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Making Better Choices

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For this final blog post of 2021 I’m going to be thinking about making better choices. How to think about the process of making decisions, so they can be better ones.

What makes a “better” decision? That’s up to you. Consider what you want, and what direction you want your life to go. What do you want to bring MORE of into your life, and what do want LESS of?

One book I’ve used as a reference is Yes or No: The Guide to Better Decisions, by Spencer Johnson. It’s written as an allegory, meaning it’s in a story format to make its points. While it’s a bit reductionist, I think it makes a good starting point.

In Yes or No, we’re asked to consider six questions. Three of these questions are more intellectual/logical, three are more about being in touch with your feelings.

But before we even get to the questions, here’s a bit of Johnson’s advice to begin.  STOP any action you already know is a bad choice.  That’s taking up too much of your energy and time already, and gets in the way of your willingness to make change.Making Better Choices

The six questions are:

  • Is this a real need, or something you want?
  • Are you considering a range of different options?
  • Consider the consequence of each choice?
  • Are you being honest with yourself?
  • Do you trust yourself?
  • Do you believe you deserve good things in life?

You can use this process on any kind of decision, big or small.  Maybe practice on a few smaller choices, just so that you get the idea and flow.  However, this process is going to be much more useful in situations where the outcomes are more long-lasting and significant, or where other people are trying to influence your choices (and you’re doubting they have your interests in mind).

First question first. Is this a real need? Who gets to define what is a “real” need?  The ability to name, to define something, and have others buy into that, is power. It can be subjective, and change over time. When you get to decide what you really need or want (and, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with WANTS), that’s owning your power.

Think to a time when you were undecided, and others were trying to influence you about what you should need. How did they try to persuade you about what you really needed (or wanted)?

Are you looking at a range of options? This doesn’t mean you have to test-drive each and every product, you could be looking at a range of offerings that will have their own advantages and drawbacks. And this question dovetails with the next one, considering the consequences of each of the options. Maybe you’re considering job offers, or what college to attend, or moving to a new apartment. What are some of the issues? What would be the impact of location — ease of access to shopping and transportation and quiet? Cost? Social environment? Would it change your strategies of safety planning?

Now that we’ve looked at the first three questions, time to consider the second three. Remember, those first three are called “intellectual” or based on logic and reason. The second three are based more on emotion, on how you feel about this choice.

Frankly, we all more often make decisions based on our feelings, then use our intellect to justify them. So the feelings part is not — should not be treated as — an afterthought or aside. I think this is the more essential set of questions.

Are we being honest with ourselves about our situation? About our finances? About our needs and priorities? Are you seeing the lines where your responsibilities begin and end? For instance, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to make the other feel responsible for their feelings. As we all know — at least intellectually — we are responsible for taking care of our own feelings, not everyone else’s.

Does your decision show that you trust yourself? Again, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to undercut another’s self-trust by constantly criticizing them about anything, little or big. They can lie and “gaslight” the other, trying to convince them that what they see is not real, sometimes even calling them “crazy.” Or telling them outright ‘no, you’re not feeling that.’

Do you deserve better? Do you deserve to have good things happen? People in highly toxic relationships can hear “you’re lucky to have me, you’re so stupid or ugly or [fill in the blank with your favorite derogatory term] that nobody else will ever care about you.” Even if you don’t hear this sort of crap outright, over time our life expectations may have been tempered just by daily weathering, so that you can feel that this is about as good as you can expect. Maybe you think this relationship is OK because all spouses are like this, or all supervisors get away with that, or this is what coaches are supposed to do. But do you deserve better? If you’re mulling over this question, betcha the answer is yes.

Finally, we like to think we make decisions on our own. Not really true. We are social creatures: we tend to make choices and decisions similar to those choices and decisions made by others with whom we identify. Never underestimate the need to fit in, and that’s a real need. Johnson’s lack of consideration here is one of the biggest drawbacks of his little book; nevertheless it’s a good starting point for making better choices.

EmPOWERment Self-Defense is one way to open up your range of choices.  Our winter class schedule is posted, see if you can make that choice today.

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October: Halloween and Domestic Violence Awareness Month

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Good morning!  Today is Wednesday October 6, 2021.  The touch of the autumn air is chilly and wet, a relief after this summer’s record heat. Leaves, turning brilliant reds, yellows and orange, are just beginning to drift to earth. Halloween, just one evening of ghosts and ghouls, spirits and spectres, will be here in the wink of an eye.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Unlike Halloween, though, domestic violence is not limited to October, nor should we be aware only these 31 days.

Domestic violence is a wraith that stalks its prey all year long. Abuse victims can be haunted even after the relationship ends: they are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety than are others, less able to form long-term loving relationships, and more likely to engage in harmful, high-risk behaviors, according to the DHHS Office of Women’s Health and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.   Life during this pandemic has exacerbated incidents of intimate partner violence.

In the 1960s/70s the phrase “the personal is political” gained traction among feminists as women recognized that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - learn some of the warning signs!individual incidents and abuses were commonplace, even routine, and were socially OK and supported by legal conventions, which is what is meant by systematic. Women put up with them for various reasons. We heard that’s just the way it was, or that’s just life as a woman in modern America so deal with it. Or “boys will be boys.” Or there would be consequences, such as sexual assault, physical battery, or even murder (even today half of female homicide victims in America are killed by a current or former intimate partner). Those possibilities would hang in the air, unseen and unnamed, a vile apparition always making its presence felt even if invisible.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there are also significant financial costs of intimate partner violence. They estimate the lifetime costs for women IPV survivors can top $100,000 (the estimated lifetime costs for male IPV survivors is $23,000).

We touch on this issue in our self-defense classes, especially the six-week course, as women’s single largest risk of physical assault is from domestic violence.

If you know a someone in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, download this info flyer and send it to them, if it’s safe to do so (remember, abusers often try to monitor and control all communications). If you are into planning and lists, take a look at this inventory for safety planning. Send it to their friends also — they probably feel like they’re watching a bad horror movie, powerless to intervene. In fact, send it to anyone you know. It may save them from this nightmare later. Do your part to exorcise this demon now, for the whole year.

Stay safe, live life.

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The Fine Art of Just Saying No

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Today, Wednesday Sept 29, 2021, is fine if somewhat overcast fall day.  The leaves on my mini maple trees are turning their fall colors, and it’s just about time to sow the fall cover crop in the garden.  Seasonal rituals, so to speak.

I have a few rituals of my own.  One is reading the comic section of the Sunday paper.  That’s the first section I go for.  A couple of weeks ago, more specifically Sept 19, this strip of Between Friends appeared.  It certainly felt familiar.  As a self-defense teacher for over a quarter of a century, I’ve heard stuff like this.  A lot. 

the fine art of just saying no

And we go over this in class.

This strip depicts the same character, at different ages, declining an invitation.  The teen girl is characterized as not quite getting out a NO and stumbling into acquiescence.  The young adult woman is saying that NO, trying to make it more credible with the words “sorry” and “but” as well as an excuse (she has a whole list of possible excuses ready, just for these occasions).  The verging-on-middle-age woman has dispensed with “sorry” as well as with using a specific excuse.  And the older, wiser woman is just saying NO, because NO is a complete sentence.  

There will be times in your life where you mess up, and you should say sorry.  Declining an invitation, indeed setting any boundary, should not be such an occasion.

I also generally try to get rid of the BUTs in the middle.  BUT is a minimizer — it says you’re not really all that sorry, or that you really would NOT love to.  

NO is a complete sentence.  Is it too brusque?  Consider the relationship with whom you’re having this conversation. Often you really don’t owe them an explanation, and if not please do not feel that you’re being rude by not offering one.  Many people feel compelled to have to explain themselves, when they don’t.  Explaining yourself to another can indicate a close relationship.  Or wanting to be heard and understood by someone you see on a regular basis.  Or it can manifest a power imbalance.  

A good all-around decline could be: 

  • Thank you for inviting me, I can’t make it
  • That’s so kind of you, and no thanks
  • I appreciate your offer of help, and no thanks

If the person presses you on why, try repeating the second clause of the decline.  “I just can’t make it.”  “No thanks.”  “I said no thanks.”   Trying to push past your boundary is itself a boundary violation.

In just about all of our classes we cover the fine art of Just Saying No.  And, for younger tweens and teens, we have classes more finely tuned to those age group precisely because at different stages they will have different understandings of and skill-sets for boundaries, as well as more built-in power imbalances, as well as enhanced self-consciousness.

Speaking of which, we have a full schedule of in-person classes for the Fall, and I’ve even begun looking at my winter calendar.  Classes for tweens, younger teens, older teens.  And, of course, classes for those more independent and still seeing more maturity.

What do you think?  How well does this comic strip characterize the declining skills of the age groups, in your experience?  How do you decline invitations, and how’s that changed over your life so far?

Stay safe, live life.

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Oopsies and Ouchies

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Good morning, today is Wednesday Sept 15, 2021.  It’s another pleasant late summer morning in the glorious Emerald City.  Tonight begins Yom Kippur, or Day of Atonement, the most significant of all Jewish holidays.  A time for reflections, on forgiveness, on atonement, on resolving to do better this coming year, to be a better person this coming year.

One approach to becoming a better person could be how we handle the “oopsies and ouchies” that sometimes pop up in interactions.  For instance, one person uses a phrase that perhaps they’ve heard all their lives and never really thought about what it meant, and it contains words that negatively reference the identity of someone else — a friend, a co-worker, family member — who is standing right there.  In an ideal world, that would not have happened, but we don’t live in that ideal world.  In my next-best world, the listener would be comfortable pointing out the phrase as derogatory, and the person who uttered it would be amenable to upgrading their language, in part because both listener’s and speaker’s intent would be to maintain a good relationship.  Because, in my next-best world, acknowledging oopsies and ouchies is what people would do, with the hope of creating a healthier community together.  

I used to hear the phrase “that’s so gay!” to refer to something considered stupid.  Rarely do I hear that these days.  A lot of people are good with asking others to upgrade their language in certain situations.

This notion is fundamental to understanding communication.  True communication is not just what is said, it is also what is heard.  Yes intent is important, and so is the impact on the listener.

For this to work, participants actually have to agree that they want to get along and make an effort.  That the impact of one’s actions, even well-intentioned actions, can adversely affect someone else.  Are you willing to consider that?

We look at these issues and skills in some of our classes, esp the six-week Self-Defense 101 course.

Wishing you a happy, healthy, and fulfilling New Year!  Stay safe, live life.

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Boundaries with Mother

Good morning.  It’s another fine day in the glorious Emerald City, though I can definitely feel the chilled fingers of autumn reaching out.  Today is the first day of school for Seattle Public School students.  Full days in person, mostly.  I think there’s still some remote learning.  It’s going to be an interesting year.

But, moving on.  Maybe 20ish years ago, my mother got her first email account.  She and her friends all “hung out,” if you can call it that, in the same chat rooms.  I have no idea what else they chatted about, but one of the BIGGIES was exchanging jokes.  These were not good jokes.  They were kind of off color, questionable taste, and — most importantly — really not funny.  

I have to state that in my whole life I don’t think I heard my mother ever tell a single joke.  Yet here she was, finding all these bad jokes and sharing them.  Not re-telling them, but using that other email feature, the FORWARD.  Yes, for a brief time she forwarded ALL the jokes.  To me.  Between 15 and 25 per day.

This was clearly a time to set boundaries.  But setting boundaries with a parent can be touchy.

So we had our own chat.  Over the phone.  I told her the jokes were bad, as in not funny.  And there were way too many.  And they really were really bad.  So I put her on a joke diet.  She had choices.  She could email me up to three jokes a day.  Pick out the “better” ones and forward those.  She agreed. 

Two things happened.

First, she stopped forwarding jokes.  Turns out she never thought they were all that funny either, and just the ease of hitting “forward” was driving it.  She thought we all were supposed to “share” stuff (she didn’t read that part of the memo where you’re supposed to “share” good stuff).  As a result of the joke diet, when she had to actually go through and select, it was just no longer worth the effort.

Second, it got a little easier for me to set other boundaries, in terms of my state of mind.  Just the thought of having to set a boundary can be stressful, accompanied by a whole range of emotions and what-if scenarios.  What if she got angry, what if she was upset, what if our relationship was damaged, et cetera.  I’d been feeling resentful that I even had to set that boundary.  After setting that joke boundary, I felt less resentful about articulating my limits.  And when I felt less resentful I was more OK with acknowledging that my mother and I were not going to agree on a lot of stuff, and that was fine, and I could move on without carrying so much extra baggage.  And getting into fewer arguments left me in better moods.  

I can’t say I planned all that, but I noticed that setting some small boundaries where the other person can agree may just have given me the boost to feel better about other boundaries.  Build on your successes.

And while you’re thinking about your next tricky boundary-setting, we cover this in our six-week self-defense courses.  Next one begins Sept 11.

Stay safe, live life.

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Simone Biles’ Masterclass in Setting Boundaries

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Good morning, it’s another sunny day in the glorious Emerald City. Summer is already more than halfway over, at least if you’re a student in the Seattle Public Schools.

This last week and a half I’ve spent far too much time late at night watching the Olympics on TV. Not that I’m following any particular sport or athletes, I’m just overall impressed at the training and skill levels and performances. Their dedication, focus, and persistence is inspiring.

One of the bigger stories out of this Olympics is Simone Biles’ withdrawal from some events. You know who she is, right? Gymnast for the American team, and one of the top gymnasts of all time. She’s amazing. I admire Simone Biles.  And she withdrew from some events, my understanding is due to a lapse in mind-body connection. Something they called the “twisties.” Frankly, I cannot fathom how anyone can keep their mind-body connection during their routines, but again I’m not a gymnast and don’t have that concrete experience. And that’s what makes those athletes’ performances so engaging to me.

There’s been a lot of opinion expressed on social media and broadcast media. Some of it is actually informative, some not so much. I am very impressed with Simone Biles, and not just for her skills and performances. Her recognition that she has to have her own priorities straight (in this case, her wellbeing over pressure to compete), that she can and did take the reigns of control over her participation, and her openness in making it a public discussion. Given her level of achievement and drive, I am certain she did not make this decision lightly. And I trust her judgement about her readiness to spin and flip in the air over and over, and once again land intact.  And for that I even more admire Simone Biles.

Simone Biles does not need my validation. I’m not talking about this for her. I’m talking about this, amplifying her, for us more everyday people, who sometimes feel pressured to please someone else at our own expense. Simone Biles is a truly exceptional athlete, and she is still as human as the rest of us. While the pressures on her may be more public than those on most of us, we too can face intense scrutiny over our choices and decisions. And we too can decide what’s best for us, what can be harmful to us, and figure out how to prioritize our well-being in concrete actions. So, let’s do more of it.

On another note, July’s classes were all in-person, August’s self-defense classes too will be in-person, and I’m happy with how they are going and students’ participation. Yes, I’m still asking that all students be fully vaccinated, and even for outdoor classes we’re masking up. I’ve got a lot happening in August, and my Fall schedule should be posted soon. I may even have to cut back on blogging, such as I did last week, just for increased class time. Stay tuned for more updates.

As always, stay safe, live life.

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Gaslighting At Work?

Gaslighting.  I usually think of gaslighting in terms of intimate relationships.  But, like any negative behavior, it can manifest in just about any type of relationship.  Including work relationships.  The hallmark of gaslighting behavior is when one person (or group) works to make another person (or group) doubt their own memories, experiences, judgement, and even feelings.  On an ongoing basis.

Gaslighting doesn’t only affect the person who’s targeted.  It also alters the relationships between the target and others, who may believe the gaslighter or at least wonder if there isn’t a kernel of truth in what they’re saying, or who are afraid of the gaslighter and back away (and don’t support) the targeted person, or (and perhaps some cynicism is showing) can see a benefit to themselves to support the gaslighter and knowingly join in.  

One very essential key to remember about gaslighting.  It’s not about what’s true.  It’s not about if you really have proof that you did deliver on your job, that you are a top performer, that your clients love you.  It’s about manipulating the social relationships around you to create an unhealthy workplace and turn around and blame you.  You can have all the solid evidence in the universe, the whole idea is the gaslighter is manipulating the social environment so their lies are, well, if not believed, they form the basis for action going forward.  Who gets promoted, or choice clients or assignments, or financial rewards.  Who gets to literally define reality.

What to do?  Well, the solutions are pretty simple, yet not at all easy.

First, and maybe not so simple, is to recognize it.  Gaslighting happens gradually, over time.  Anyone can be susceptible.  Read a bit about it.  You may be inclined to think, well everyone has some flaws, this isn’t really gaslighting because they are sometimes so nice and complimentary and it all will be OK, and I can do better too, and maybe they will change.  Nah.  The best predictor of a person’s future actions is their past actions.

Make powerful friends.  Or a large number of friends, who actually would recognize that it could have been them and who will be visibly supportive.  Violence thrives in silence.

Be one of those friends.  It could just as easily have been you.  

Document.  Keep a log of what the gaslighter said and did, when, who else was around.

Consider if it is safe to call the gaslighter on their behavior.  If you do, consider NOT using words like “gaslighter,” rather stick to the actual behavior.  “Gaslighting” and “gaslighter’ are interpretations of that behavior, and using them can backfire on you, and can be used against you as evidence of your own “agenda.”

And maybe it’s time for a reality check.  Many of us cannot marshall that army of supporters.  And many people end up  finding another job.  Gaslighters will try to wear you down over time, and limiting your exposure may be your healthiest option.

Well, that’s it for today.  Please check out our summer class offerings.  I now have put two more six-week courses on the calendar, one begins Aug 4 and the other Sept 11.  And they are both in-person classes.  If you’re registering, please be vaccinated before the start of class.

Stay safe, find options, live life.

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Look A Book: Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door

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Today I’m talking about another book:  Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout, PhD.  Dr. Stout is a clinical psychologist who was on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, and specializes in recovery from psychological trauma and PTSD.  I read one of her earlier books, The Sociopath Next Door, a number of years ago, and after reading James Fallon’s book decided it was time for an update.

Outsmarting the Sociopath Next DoorIn this book, Dr. Stout focuses on the very practical concerns of managing the effects on your well-being of those in your life, from whom you cannot just walk away, who lack a conscience and cannot form emotional bonds with others.  Whose mode of operation is treating life as a zero-sum game, where there are winners and losers and they are determined to be winners and rub in that you are the loser.  The three groups she looks at are 1. your own children, 2. people you have to work with, and 3. exes involved in child custody battles.  She offers very specific recommendations about how to structure your interactions with these individuals, once you recognize them for what they are.  

A big barrier is likely just recognizing someone as a sociopath, with its implications for how to work with them.  They won’t “get better” if only you were a better parent, better spouse, better employee.  That their behavior is not your fault, no matter how much blame they try to hand off to you.  That you have to pay attention to your own emotional welfare.

One phrase in this book that caught my attention is “closed system.”  In our self-defense classes I refer to this as “social isolation.”  You and the sociopath are in a relationship that may be covert, and you may be embarrassed or afraid or insecure and not talk about it. Or the relationship may be well-known, but what goes on behind closed doors is kept mum.  Dr. Stout points out (as do we in our classes), that violence thrives in silence, and she suggests that you find a person you trust, and who would be supportive, someone to confide in, who is also outside the social group you share with the sociopath.  So if the sociopath is a co-worker, talk with someone not at your workplace. 

Dr. Stout believes that with diligence, persistence, and planning, you can be outsmarting the sociopath next door.  Sociopaths, according to her, have a limited range of motivation and pretty much stick to their script.  Can you work around that, as they are trying to push your buttons for the reaction they want?

Dr. Stout also strongly suggests that when dealing with agencies such as law enforcement and the courts, you refrain from using the word sociopath (or psychopath, or any other clinical diagnostic labels) to describe that person.  That will not get you the support you’re seeking, and in fact may get YOU labeled as the trouble-maker.  How’s that?  Read the book.

And that’s all for today.  Be sure to check out the summer schedule for LIVE IN-PERSON classes.

Stay safe, live life.

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