Tag Archive for: essential safety skills

Identifying Child Molesters, a book by Carla van Dam, PhD

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I just finished reading Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.  This book was published over 20 years ago, yet it seems oddly contemporary.  It’s obvious that a lot of the examples she uses are old: some individuals and organizations named have faded into obscurity, technology has changed, and laws involving pedophilia are updated.  Yet Book: Identifying Child Molestersthe process by which assailants groom their targets, in fact often groom communities, is still alive and kicking.  By grooming, I mean how wanna-be molesters get chummy with parents, teachers, and other community members to gain access to children, and how they cultivate relationships with the kids.

Earlier this year I taught a Safety Skills class for children (ages 5-8) and parents.  One exercise was to have the kids go to the parent and tell them a neighbor had invited them to come over to see their new tropical fish.  The next exercise was for the parents:  they were to approach that neighbor (role-played by me), and let me know it’s not okay to invite their child over without direct and immediate parental permission.  It was surprisingly hard for most of the parents to get the words out, even with prompting.  Yet this is probably the most critical link to break in the chain of events leading to child molestation.

That is a huge challenge around identifying child molesters.  Non-aggressive confrontation seems to be hard for too many people.  Yet the long-term consequences are even harder.  It’s so difficult, now and throughout history, to acknowledge that someone we thought we knew and may like, who has been helpful and kind, has also been abusive.  We like to believe that molesters are evil monsters, badness runs through everything they touch, and their true character is obvious. 

Not true. 

Mostly we’re gambling.  Betting that that person whose actions and words sometimes cause us discomfort is just socially awkward.  Betting that abuse and manipulation happens to other people.  Betting that we are too smart and aware and educated, that we can readily spot the baddies.  But only once we’re sure, because we don’t want to embarrass someone or wreck their career needlessly.  

Once we are sure, however, it’s too late.

As Dr. van Dam wrote, “Learning to say ‘no’ with grace and certainty to those whose behavior seems problematical does not interfere with friendships, but does send potential molesters away.  Those who are interested in opportunities to molest children will not invest their time with adults who do not tolerate their charm.”

You can learn to be one of those adults, and practice some skills in our classes.

Stay safe, live life.

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Making Better Choices

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For this final blog post of 2021 I’m going to be thinking about making better choices. How to think about the process of making decisions, so they can be better ones.

What makes a “better” decision? That’s up to you. Consider what you want, and what direction you want your life to go. What do you want to bring MORE of into your life, and what do want LESS of?

One book I’ve used as a reference is Yes or No: The Guide to Better Decisions, by Spencer Johnson. It’s written as an allegory, meaning it’s in a story format to make its points. While it’s a bit reductionist, I think it makes a good starting point.

In Yes or No, we’re asked to consider six questions. Three of these questions are more intellectual/logical, three are more about being in touch with your feelings.

But before we even get to the questions, here’s a bit of Johnson’s advice to begin.  STOP any action you already know is a bad choice.  That’s taking up too much of your energy and time already, and gets in the way of your willingness to make change.Making Better Choices

The six questions are:

  • Is this a real need, or something you want?
  • Are you considering a range of different options?
  • Consider the consequence of each choice?
  • Are you being honest with yourself?
  • Do you trust yourself?
  • Do you believe you deserve good things in life?

You can use this process on any kind of decision, big or small.  Maybe practice on a few smaller choices, just so that you get the idea and flow.  However, this process is going to be much more useful in situations where the outcomes are more long-lasting and significant, or where other people are trying to influence your choices (and you’re doubting they have your interests in mind).

First question first. Is this a real need? Who gets to define what is a “real” need?  The ability to name, to define something, and have others buy into that, is power. It can be subjective, and change over time. When you get to decide what you really need or want (and, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with WANTS), that’s owning your power.

Think to a time when you were undecided, and others were trying to influence you about what you should need. How did they try to persuade you about what you really needed (or wanted)?

Are you looking at a range of options? This doesn’t mean you have to test-drive each and every product, you could be looking at a range of offerings that will have their own advantages and drawbacks. And this question dovetails with the next one, considering the consequences of each of the options. Maybe you’re considering job offers, or what college to attend, or moving to a new apartment. What are some of the issues? What would be the impact of location — ease of access to shopping and transportation and quiet? Cost? Social environment? Would it change your strategies of safety planning?

Now that we’ve looked at the first three questions, time to consider the second three. Remember, those first three are called “intellectual” or based on logic and reason. The second three are based more on emotion, on how you feel about this choice.

Frankly, we all more often make decisions based on our feelings, then use our intellect to justify them. So the feelings part is not — should not be treated as — an afterthought or aside. I think this is the more essential set of questions.

Are we being honest with ourselves about our situation? About our finances? About our needs and priorities? Are you seeing the lines where your responsibilities begin and end? For instance, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to make the other feel responsible for their feelings. As we all know — at least intellectually — we are responsible for taking care of our own feelings, not everyone else’s.

Does your decision show that you trust yourself? Again, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to undercut another’s self-trust by constantly criticizing them about anything, little or big. They can lie and “gaslight” the other, trying to convince them that what they see is not real, sometimes even calling them “crazy.” Or telling them outright ‘no, you’re not feeling that.’

Do you deserve better? Do you deserve to have good things happen? People in highly toxic relationships can hear “you’re lucky to have me, you’re so stupid or ugly or [fill in the blank with your favorite derogatory term] that nobody else will ever care about you.” Even if you don’t hear this sort of crap outright, over time our life expectations may have been tempered just by daily weathering, so that you can feel that this is about as good as you can expect. Maybe you think this relationship is OK because all spouses are like this, or all supervisors get away with that, or this is what coaches are supposed to do. But do you deserve better? If you’re mulling over this question, betcha the answer is yes.

Finally, we like to think we make decisions on our own. Not really true. We are social creatures: we tend to make choices and decisions similar to those choices and decisions made by others with whom we identify. Never underestimate the need to fit in, and that’s a real need. Johnson’s lack of consideration here is one of the biggest drawbacks of his little book; nevertheless it’s a good starting point for making better choices.

EmPOWERment Self-Defense is one way to open up your range of choices.  Our winter class schedule is posted, see if you can make that choice today.

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Happy Halloween!

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Good evening, all. October 29, 2021.  A fine Friday night, just 2 days from Halloween.  The past couple of years have certainly had peaks of fear and scare, who needs Halloween? Well, a lot of us do!  

A number of years ago there were news reports of poisoned candy, razor blades or needles embedded in treats, kids getting seriously sick — and some died.  The news media jumped on these incidents and pointed fingers at evil strangers adulterating treats for their own perverse pleasure.  But, as you may know, initial reports are usually highly speculative and often wrong.  Remember, one goal of news media is the “breaking” story, and being the first to report is generally regarded as positive.  Whether the information presented is accurate seems to be beside the point.

Studies of kids admitted to emergency rooms around Halloween have shown these reports greatly exaggerated.  Further investigations often came to different conclusions.  One child who died had gotten into another family member’s heroin, and the rest of the family covered by afterwards sprinkling heroin on candy and blaming strangers.  Another child was poisoned by a parent to collect insurance.  (Who takes out an insurance policy on an elementary school age child?  That’s a red flag right there.)

Now, all these stories are between 20 and 40 years old.  I first looked at this issue probably about 15 years ago.  I thought it time to update my info, so went online.  I checked on Snopes.com, and most of their articles are from  about twenty years ago.  Then I went to PubMed.  If you’re not familiar with PubMed, it’s a database of peer-reviewed research.  I was hoping there were more recent articles, but no there were not.

Seems this issue’s shelf-life was limited.  Which brings up the issue Pumpkinof what’s news-worthy, and what’s in the news cycle reflects more a cultural fear than real trends in events.  Was there a cultural zeitgeist at that time, a sense of worry that one’s social environments were changing, that your neighbors came from different, strange, backgrounds, and the unknown was less certain?  And this is how it got expressed?  A time capsule, so to speak, of social concerns indirectly expressed.  We do discuss mass media and its impacts in our six week Self-Defense 101.

Even though these stories are decades old, they still pop up every year, seems the initial reporting became the real story and subsequent investigations and conclusions didn’t exist.

What is a real danger this coming weekend?  Cars hitting pedestrians.  That rate JUMPS on Halloween night.  More people out on the street, maybe excited and not looking, and drivers not taking extra precautions on streets they routinely use.  

Stay safe, stay aware when trick-or-treating (and driving!), and live life.

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Time for a Bystander Intervention Success Story

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Today is Wednesday, Sept 22, 2021.  The first day of Autumn!  It’s like a week or so ago someone flipped a switch, and virtually overnight we went from Summer to Fall.  That’s just the way seasons change in the Emerald City.

In last week’s class a participant shared a bystander intervention success story.  She has this neighbor who, when he sees young kids or smallish older women walking by on the street, aggressively approaches them.  He would yell profanities, gesticulate menacingly, and try to get uncomfortably close.  Those targeted, their reactions were — not surprisingly — fearful; they’d try to make themselves smaller, sometimes even apologize, and try to back away as quickly as possible.  Angry yelling dude

This student had had enough of the spectacle.  One recent day the neighbor had begun his rant on yet another older woman walking her small dog.  My student strode near to him (keeping distance of course) and told him to leave, to stop harassing people.  Yes she did raise her voice.  The neighbor was taken aback, and he left.  And, ever since then, whenever he sees my student, he retreats back to the safety of his own abode.

We had been doing more work with bystander intervention since the beginning of the pandemic in our virtual classes.  It is a valuable skill so I’ll be bringing it more into my longer classes (those would be the 5 hour Self-Defense Seminar and the 6 week Self-Defense 101).

A lot of us envision bystander intervention as something scary we would do with angry strangers on the street, or bus, or grocery store.  And those instances are important.  Most opportunities, however, will arise in more familiar settings, and involve people we know.  People with whom we’ve some history, and can often guess their reactions.  And it’s great to learn and practice some skills to make your day-to-day living smoother and more peaceful.  I’ve got a full range of classes coming up this fall, and I’m slowly getting my winter offering up online.

Do you have a bystander intervention success story you’d like to share?

Stay safe, live life.

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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Good morning again, today is Friday, July 16, 2021, coming to you from the glorious Emerald City that is Seattle, WA.  This month we’ve been teaching in-person classes, and it’s been so good to get back to working with students in the same room.  Classes are still small, masks are still required, because COVID cases are again on the rise.  I’m asking that all students who are eligible be vaccinated, and guess what, you have been!  Sure it’s been a small, self-selected sample, and yet it seems that everyone has been eagerly forthright about their vaccination status.  You’ve been considerate of the needs of, and risks to, all class participants (that includes yourself).

And that brings us to RESPECT.  Not just a great Aretha Franklin song.  The word does have a range of nuance, like most meaningful words, and these nuances and contexts make a difference.

You can respect a position.  Someone’s job title, station in life, authority.  You don’t have to like that person, you don’t have to agree with that person, you don’t have to know that person, and you can still respect their authority.  Teachers, pastors, coaches, law enforcement, those are some of the typical positions that expect their authority will be respected.

You can respect a person who has a position of authority.  You can hold that individual in high esteem, you can admire them, even revere them.  You may consider them an expert.  You may not know much about them as a person, but you hold their public persona or accomplishments in high regard.  Dr. Anthony Fauci fills that roll for many today.

Or maybe someone you know personally has earned your respect, via their actions and behavior, their honesty and integrity and even expertise.
Dictionary definition - expecting respect as deference
According to my pocket dictionary/thesaurus, one expectation of this kind of respect can be deference.  A yielding to someone else’s authority.  

Showing respect as consideration of othersAccording to this same dictionary, here’s another aspect to respect.  Consideration for others’ rights and wishes.  This is how you show respect.  On one side, there’s the respect coming to you, on the other there’s you showing respect for someone.

And then there’s the respect of treating someone like, well, another human.  Not dependent on status or position or wealth.  A basic level of respect, due to the fact that all humans are created equal.

So, what does this have to do with your personal safety?  I’ll bet you can see where this is going.  There can be conflict when a person has status or a job title or accomplishments and they assume they’re owed respect, but their personal behavior is less than respectable.  And maybe they feel you’re not showing enough deference.  They may say, or imply, something like since you’re not respecting them, they won’t respect you either.  Meaning if you don’t defer to them, they will cease treating you like a human.  But these two aspects of respect are neither equivalent nor interchangeable.  This is becomes a power dynamic.  

In our self-defense classes we talk a lot about recognizing “red flags,” which are boundary violations, often showing up as these power dynamics.  Manipulation of respect in this way is a red flag, poking a boundary to see how compliant you could be when confronted with a claim of authority and need for respect.  Know your rights, find your allies, and consider how you can limit your contact with that person.

That’s it for today.

We’re continuing in-person self-defense classes through August and September, probably the whole fall.  Hopefully ongoing.  There will still be a couple of virtual classes.  Masks probably will still be required for a while.  We want our students and staff to be safe.

So stay safe, live life. 

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Peaches and Self-Defense?

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Today is June 24, 2021.  We’re just in the first week of summer, and I already am sunburnt.  This weekend the temperature is expected to hit over 100° Fahrenheit.  Yes, here in the glorious Emerald City, in June.

Regardless, June is a great month for grilling (ok, maybe not this weekend).  One of my favorites is grilled peaches.  Find some freestone peaches, cut them in half and get rid of the pit, oil them a bit, and put them on a hot grill. I do cut side down first, then flip them over and move them off direct heat so juices can accumulate in the little well.  After they are nice and soft and smokey I let them cool down, slice them, and stir in some dessert wine vinegar or good balsamic.

Speaking of peaches.  Maybe about nine years ago one of my students in the six-week self-defense course came to class beaming.  She got to use some of what she learned.  She was grocery shopping in the early evening.  She was picking out some nice peaches, ripe ones, ready to eat.  As she contemplated her choices, she felt an odd sensation, like someone standing right behind her.  There was someone standing behind her.  She glanced over her shoulder, and described to us in the class a man, kind of tall and wide.  He was wearing a faded T shirt and sweatpants.  She thought he hadn’t bothered combing his hair before leaving his house.  The image of Jabba the Hut popped into my head.

She then took a look at the cart next to him.  What would Jabba the Hut eat?  Beer.  Pretzels.  Chips.  Beer.  Twinkies.  Did I say beer?

A little voice in her head whispered, “He’s not here for the peaches.”

My student said that before taking this class she would have made herself smaller, said in a soft yet high-pitched voice “oh, am I in your way, I’m so sorry!”  She would have slinked away, without ever having looked at his face.  She decided to do different.

She extended her elbows so they were sticking out to the sides.  Then she turned.  He was so close that one elbow got him in the ribs.  Not hard, but just enough to make him take a step back.  Then she looked him in the face and said, in a voice just loud enough for anyone in the produce section to hear, “Oh, you were standing so close!”

Did you notice what she did NOT say?  I’ll tell you at the end.*

She could tell he was angry.  And other people in the produce section were staring at them.  So he just glared, grabbed his cart, and huffed away.

Just about as soon as he left, she felt twinges of regret.  What if she was wrong?  What if he wasn’t simply trying to harass her?  She fretted as she continued shopping.

But just a few minutes later he was back.  He didn’t see her, but she sure noticed him.  And she saw him do the SAME THING to two other women.  One woman was selecting green beans, and the other strawberries.  Both of those women did what she said she would have done, made themselves smaller, apologized for taking up space in a public grocery store, and slinked away.  Did he then avail himself of the green beans and strawberries?  No.

By the time she found the store manager, it was too late.  He had checked out and gone.

She decided that she’s spend more time practicing with and trusting her instincts.

So she’d be better able to stay safe and live life.  You too can do that.

[*Oh, right, she did not say “sorry.”]

 

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Look A Book: Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door

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Today I’m talking about another book:  Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout, PhD.  Dr. Stout is a clinical psychologist who was on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, and specializes in recovery from psychological trauma and PTSD.  I read one of her earlier books, The Sociopath Next Door, a number of years ago, and after reading James Fallon’s book decided it was time for an update.

Outsmarting the Sociopath Next DoorIn this book, Dr. Stout focuses on the very practical concerns of managing the effects on your well-being of those in your life, from whom you cannot just walk away, who lack a conscience and cannot form emotional bonds with others.  Whose mode of operation is treating life as a zero-sum game, where there are winners and losers and they are determined to be winners and rub in that you are the loser.  The three groups she looks at are 1. your own children, 2. people you have to work with, and 3. exes involved in child custody battles.  She offers very specific recommendations about how to structure your interactions with these individuals, once you recognize them for what they are.  

A big barrier is likely just recognizing someone as a sociopath, with its implications for how to work with them.  They won’t “get better” if only you were a better parent, better spouse, better employee.  That their behavior is not your fault, no matter how much blame they try to hand off to you.  That you have to pay attention to your own emotional welfare.

One phrase in this book that caught my attention is “closed system.”  In our self-defense classes I refer to this as “social isolation.”  You and the sociopath are in a relationship that may be covert, and you may be embarrassed or afraid or insecure and not talk about it. Or the relationship may be well-known, but what goes on behind closed doors is kept mum.  Dr. Stout points out (as do we in our classes), that violence thrives in silence, and she suggests that you find a person you trust, and who would be supportive, someone to confide in, who is also outside the social group you share with the sociopath.  So if the sociopath is a co-worker, talk with someone not at your workplace. 

Dr. Stout believes that with diligence, persistence, and planning, you can be outsmarting the sociopath next door.  Sociopaths, according to her, have a limited range of motivation and pretty much stick to their script.  Can you work around that, as they are trying to push your buttons for the reaction they want?

Dr. Stout also strongly suggests that when dealing with agencies such as law enforcement and the courts, you refrain from using the word sociopath (or psychopath, or any other clinical diagnostic labels) to describe that person.  That will not get you the support you’re seeking, and in fact may get YOU labeled as the trouble-maker.  How’s that?  Read the book.

And that’s all for today.  Be sure to check out the summer schedule for LIVE IN-PERSON classes.

Stay safe, live life.

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Being “Nice” vs Setting Boundaries?

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“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

Although many students in class already get this, a good number don’t. Or intellectually get the idea, but it isn’t yet incorporated into their lives.

Setting boundaries for morning coffee

I would rather have my coffee constrained in the boundaries of the mug, than free-form over all over the table.

“Being nice” versus setting boundaries. The two are not mutually exclusive. They do not form opposite ends of a dichotomy. This is not “Godzilla vs. King Kong.”

Being nice and setting boundaries are two completely distinct concepts.

I looked up “nice” in a thesaurus. Synonyms include: good, pleasant, agreeable, enjoyable, delightful, good-natured and charming. I didn’t see anything about being a doormat or not setting boundaries.

A boundary is a noun, an object. “Setting” a boundary is acting on that object. Nothing there refers to niceness. Nothing.

You can set firm boundaries in a nice way. You can set weak boundaries in a snarky way. You can set boundaries in many different ways. Setting boundaries itself is neither “nice” nor “nasty.” It’s the words you use, the body language, the tone of voice, that determines the level of niceness.

And, if the other person objects just to having a boundary set, it really does not matter how you set them. They will object to any boundary, and I would seriously consider limiting my connection with that person.

If you are one of those who struggles to set an appropriate boundary, try this exercise. Take out some paper and a pen. Write down what you can say (and how to say it) that really does NOT set a boundary; it’s more submissive, and you are hoping that the other person will take the hint without you having to actually set a boundary. Then write down a brusque and pointed way of setting that same boundary, also complete with body language and tone of voice.

Now start filling in the middle — change some of what made the second one abrasive to smooth it out, and change some of what made the submissive one too weak to strengthen your message. Envision your body language, and what the distance between you should look like. You can do this!  We do practice this in our self-defense classes.

Stay safe, live life.

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Selectivity Training

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You may know this site as Strategic Living Personal Safety and Self-Defense Training. But today, for this post, we are Strategic Living Personal Safety and Selectivity Training. Because recognizing and selecting when to say YES or NO is an important component of your personal safety. As a bonus feature, an important component of your peace of mind.  You make choices every day, selecting whether to say YES or NO to requests.

That includes when someone wants your time. They may be a stranger, a co-worker, client, acquaintance, exercise buddy, family member, BFF; could be live, could be on some webinar platform such as Zoom, could be on Facebook or other social media. Maybe they want advice, or want to give you advice, or tell you about their day, or make sure you know their opinion. Maybe they want a discussion, or pick a fight, or are testing your boundaries to see what they can get out of you. Maybe they just need to connect with another human.

By all means take that into account, and consider what you want. Much of the time, you can select whether to engage or not, and at what level. Recognize when you can make that choice.  Think of it as selectivity training.

Perhaps because I’m a bit older, I take measure of my time. I’m at the age where I’ve lived more years than are ahead, and my use of my time has more urgency.  (If you are younger this is still true, but you may not think about it with the same sense of urgency.)  My time is valuable. Once spent, I can’t get it back. So I choose to spend more time on people and events that I will enjoy, or from which I will benefit, or that will result in a sense of accomplishment or feeling that I was able to help, or it’s sustaining and self-care. If somebody wants to waste my time, I probably don’t need to let that happen. I can select to end the conversation, say no, walk away.  Perhaps they will consider me rude; oh well, that is their prerogative. And that’s it. Move on. Live your life. Stay safe, and live life.

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Feeling Safety

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The last couple of months I’ve written about recognizing (and fixing) boundary violations, finding support, and building community.  All are essential aspects of personal safety.  And, for my final post of this year (still 2020), I’m turning towards feeling safety, i.e., recognizing what is (or is not) “safety.”

  • Safety is situational.  We all move through different environments each day.  Leaving home, commuting to work or school, going out for lunch, meeting up with some friends in a park afterwards . . . each place has its own levels of safety.  What does safety look or feel like for each?
  • Safety is making choices.  Safety is the ability to navigate your course in life while minimizing the risk of harm.  The ability to make informed choices is a prerequisite for sustainable safety.
  • Does familiarity = safety?  Most of us feel safer in familiar environments.  Places we already know, when others we know, like and trust are nearby.  “Where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came,” to trot out that old TV sitcom theme.  Or even if we are physically alone, we can be on the phone with someone (while we may feel safer, we may not actually be safer).  “There’s safety in numbers,” says the cliche.  At the same time, most assaults against women are committed by someone known.  Over half homicides where the victim is female is committed by a current or former intimate partner.  The assailant abuses familiarity to gain access to commit assault.

Think about your different environments.  Work.  School.  Home.  Shopping.  Commuting.  Public space.  Social gathering.  Maybe you can add something specific to your life.  Pick one.

Get out a piece of paper and a pen, or colored pens.  Consider how you’d know you’re “safe” in that place.  Make a list.  It could be bullet-point or mind-map organized, just begin putting thoughts down what safety in a specific space would look and feel like.

I picked Home.  Take a look at this video for what I consider important for feeling safety at home.  Now do the same yourself.  You may come up with similar results, or yours may be different.  Regardless, they are your choices.  Make them.

 

Safety at Home from Joanne Factor on Vimeo.

 

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