For this final blog post of 2021 I’m going to be thinking about making better choices. How to think about the process of making decisions, so they can be better ones.

What makes a “better” decision? That’s up to you. Consider what you want, and what direction you want your life to go. What do you want to bring MORE of into your life, and what do want LESS of?

One book I’ve used as a reference is Yes or No: The Guide to Better Decisions, by Spencer Johnson. It’s written as an allegory, meaning it’s in a story format to make its points. While it’s a bit reductionist, I think it makes a good starting point.

In Yes or No, we’re asked to consider six questions. Three of these questions are more intellectual/logical, three are more about being in touch with your feelings.

But before we even get to the questions, here’s a bit of Johnson’s advice to begin.  STOP any action you already know is a bad choice.  That’s taking up too much of your energy and time already, and gets in the way of your willingness to make change.Making Better Choices

The six questions are:

  • Is this a real need, or something you want?
  • Are you considering a range of different options?
  • Consider the consequence of each choice?
  • Are you being honest with yourself?
  • Do you trust yourself?
  • Do you believe you deserve good things in life?

You can use this process on any kind of decision, big or small.  Maybe practice on a few smaller choices, just so that you get the idea and flow.  However, this process is going to be much more useful in situations where the outcomes are more long-lasting and significant, or where other people are trying to influence your choices (and you’re doubting they have your interests in mind).

First question first. Is this a real need? Who gets to define what is a “real” need?  The ability to name, to define something, and have others buy into that, is power. It can be subjective, and change over time. When you get to decide what you really need or want (and, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with WANTS), that’s owning your power.

Think to a time when you were undecided, and others were trying to influence you about what you should need. How did they try to persuade you about what you really needed (or wanted)?

Are you looking at a range of options? This doesn’t mean you have to test-drive each and every product, you could be looking at a range of offerings that will have their own advantages and drawbacks. And this question dovetails with the next one, considering the consequences of each of the options. Maybe you’re considering job offers, or what college to attend, or moving to a new apartment. What are some of the issues? What would be the impact of location — ease of access to shopping and transportation and quiet? Cost? Social environment? Would it change your strategies of safety planning?

Now that we’ve looked at the first three questions, time to consider the second three. Remember, those first three are called “intellectual” or based on logic and reason. The second three are based more on emotion, on how you feel about this choice.

Frankly, we all more often make decisions based on our feelings, then use our intellect to justify them. So the feelings part is not — should not be treated as — an afterthought or aside. I think this is the more essential set of questions.

Are we being honest with ourselves about our situation? About our finances? About our needs and priorities? Are you seeing the lines where your responsibilities begin and end? For instance, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to make the other feel responsible for their feelings. As we all know — at least intellectually — we are responsible for taking care of our own feelings, not everyone else’s.

Does your decision show that you trust yourself? Again, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to undercut another’s self-trust by constantly criticizing them about anything, little or big. They can lie and “gaslight” the other, trying to convince them that what they see is not real, sometimes even calling them “crazy.” Or telling them outright ‘no, you’re not feeling that.’

Do you deserve better? Do you deserve to have good things happen? People in highly toxic relationships can hear “you’re lucky to have me, you’re so stupid or ugly or [fill in the blank with your favorite derogatory term] that nobody else will ever care about you.” Even if you don’t hear this sort of crap outright, over time our life expectations may have been tempered just by daily weathering, so that you can feel that this is about as good as you can expect. Maybe you think this relationship is OK because all spouses are like this, or all supervisors get away with that, or this is what coaches are supposed to do. But do you deserve better? If you’re mulling over this question, betcha the answer is yes.

Finally, we like to think we make decisions on our own. Not really true. We are social creatures: we tend to make choices and decisions similar to those choices and decisions made by others with whom we identify. Never underestimate the need to fit in, and that’s a real need. Johnson’s lack of consideration here is one of the biggest drawbacks of his little book; nevertheless it’s a good starting point for making better choices.

EmPOWERment Self-Defense is one way to open up your range of choices.  Our winter class schedule is posted, see if you can make that choice today.

Good evening, all. October 29, 2021.  A fine Friday night, just 2 days from Halloween.  The past couple of years have certainly had peaks of fear and scare, who needs Halloween? Well, a lot of us do!  

A number of years ago there were news reports of poisoned candy, razor blades or needles embedded in treats, kids getting seriously sick — and some died.  The news media jumped on these incidents and pointed fingers at evil strangers adulterating treats for their own perverse pleasure.  But, as you may know, initial reports are usually highly speculative and often wrong.  Remember, one goal of news media is the “breaking” story, and being the first to report is generally regarded as positive.  Whether the information presented is accurate seems to be beside the point.

Studies of kids admitted to emergency rooms around Halloween have shown these reports greatly exaggerated.  Further investigations often came to different conclusions.  One child who died had gotten into another family member’s heroin, and the rest of the family covered by afterwards sprinkling heroin on candy and blaming strangers.  Another child was poisoned by a parent to collect insurance.  (Who takes out an insurance policy on an elementary school age child?  That’s a red flag right there.)

Now, all these stories are between 20 and 40 years old.  I first looked at this issue probably about 15 years ago.  I thought it time to update my info, so went online.  I checked on Snopes.com, and most of their articles are from  about twenty years ago.  Then I went to PubMed.  If you’re not familiar with PubMed, it’s a database of peer-reviewed research.  I was hoping there were more recent articles, but no there were not.

Seems this issue’s shelf-life was limited.  Which brings up the issue Pumpkinof what’s news-worthy, and what’s in the news cycle reflects more a cultural fear than real trends in events.  Was there a cultural zeitgeist at that time, a sense of worry that one’s social environments were changing, that your neighbors came from different, strange, backgrounds, and the unknown was less certain?  And this is how it got expressed?  A time capsule, so to speak, of social concerns indirectly expressed.  We do discuss mass media and its impacts in our six week Self-Defense 101.

Even though these stories are decades old, they still pop up every year, seems the initial reporting became the real story and subsequent investigations and conclusions didn’t exist.

What is a real danger this coming weekend?  Cars hitting pedestrians.  That rate JUMPS on Halloween night.  More people out on the street, maybe excited and not looking, and drivers not taking extra precautions on streets they routinely use.  

Stay safe, stay aware when trick-or-treating (and driving!), and live life.

Today’s beautiful sunny Seattle afternoon will, in a few short hours, give rise to little goblins and ghouls and ghosts shrieking and wailing. “Trick or treat!” is tonight’s theme, but alas it will extend a few more days past tonight. Indeed, bigger goblins and ghouls and ghosts have been shrieking and wailing for months, hoping to scare you into voting their way just 2 days post-Halloween.

Even though after Tuesday’s elections all the campaigning ads will slither back into the crypts, their tricks will still linger in the air like the stench of sewage. While we all claim we hate those attack ad, fact is they work. Seems like no matter who you vote for, we are (again) facing the End of Civilization. If you want to check out how much truth, or lack thereof, is behind your favorite political messages, visit PolitiFact.com.

A few weeks ago I was chatting with a marketing manager for one of America’s largest retailers. Prior to that he’d been in marketing for one of the major TV broadcasting companies. He left because he was fed up with “the scare.” As much as possible, news just had to be presented with maximal scare value. Even the weather had to be scary.

A critical aspect of “the scare” is to present the event, but give you absolutely NO clue how to accurately assess or mitigate any risk you could face (other than stay at home and keep glued to your TV). (Strategic Living’s Self-Defense 101 and Weekend Workshop classes cover these bases for your personal safety concerns.) One antidote: stop watching TV news. You’ll not only feel safer over time, you’ll be better at assessing real risks and engage in more enjoyable and productive activities. To help you, artist John Boak created these little posters that you can tape to your TV screen. Not only do they remind you to keep the TV off, they’ll nicely obscure your view.

Get your information from real life, not from entertainment.