personal safety skills Archives

Awareness While Walking: A Success Story

An often-asked question, or sometimes it’s not even phrased as a question, is about awareness while walking. Students sometimes say, “I don’t feel I’m as aware as I think I could be, or should be,” and leave that dangling; is it a question, like asking for how to become more aware, or simply a statement of something they’d like to change? Sometimes its parents complaining that their teens are too focused on their phones and not as cognizant of their surroundings as they could be. Whichever, awareness is helpful. Here’s one success story.

One of my students, probably about 7 or 8 years ago, was a high school junior. She was in the six-week Self-Defense 101 class, along with several of her friends. They were all attentive, and took their personal safety seriously as they were becoming more and more independent. One late spring day she and another friend (who was not in this class) were walking down California Avenue in West Seattle, near the Junction. For those not familiar with the area, it’s a commercial street with lots of restaurants, boutiques, and a wide variety of small businesses. Generally a robust and busy street. As they walked and chatted, a young male across the street got her attention. She noticed that he seemed to be keeping pace with her, and each time she glanced over it appeared his head had just quickly swiveled forward. Red flags, by her accounting. Because if you’re walking in public and notice that the same person is in about the same location relative to you several times, they’re very likely following you.

She decided to keep up her awareness while walking, as she and her friend chatted. But when they got to the next Awareness while walking enhances both safety and your enjoyment of the moment intersection, he crossed the street; some streets are “all ways walk” when the pedestrian light goes green, so you can cross at a diagonal, which he did. Now he was in front of them.

As they walked, my student noticed this young man began slowing down. She and her friend were getting closer and closer. When they were just maybe two yards behind, he just stopped. Simple stopped walking. My student and her friend did notice, and moved laterally to walk around him. As they passed, the young man also moved laterally, literally bumping into them. He seemed to stumble.

My student’s friend, who was the one who actually got bumped, turned to the man and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, are you OK?” Apparently she wasn’t sure who did the bumping, even though this guy had to move sideways to bump into them. The guy replied, speaking VERY slowly, “yeah, . . . I think . . . I’m . . .” That’s as far as he got. My student linked arms with her friend, made eye-to-face contact, and told the man, “we really need to be going,” and just walked off with her friend. As they left she began telling her friend about her observations.

Let’s just summarize the red flags she noticed:

He was in the same location, relative to them, several times,
seemed to quickly look away each time she glanced in his direction,
slowed down directly in front of them,
stopped directly in front of them,
moved sideways, right into them, as they tried to walk by,
seemed to stumble (my student thought it was faked), and
tried to keep them present by engaging in a slowed-down conversation.

Note this student could have dismissed any of these behaviors as insignificant, or decided she was over-reacting or even label herself as paranoid. But instead she recognized the overall pattern, and trusted her gut feelings that her “awareness while walking” sense of red flags was real. And that is success.

Stay safe, live life.

April 28, 2022/by Joanne Factor

Making Better Choices

emotional intelligence, self-care, abuse, personal safety, self defense issue, boundary setting, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, security, risk assessment

For this final blog post of 2021 I’m going to be thinking about making better choices. How to think about the process of making decisions, so they can be better ones.

What makes a “better” decision? That’s up to you. Consider what you want, and what direction you want your life to go. What do you want to bring MORE of into your life, and what do want LESS of?

One book I’ve used as a reference is Yes or No: The Guide to Better Decisions, by Spencer Johnson. It’s written as an allegory, meaning it’s in a story format to make its points. While it’s a bit reductionist, I think it makes a good starting point.

In Yes or No, we’re asked to consider six questions. Three of these questions are more intellectual/logical, three are more about being in touch with your feelings.

But before we even get to the questions, here’s a bit of Johnson’s advice to begin. STOP any action you already know is a bad choice. That’s taking up too much of your energy and time already, and gets in the way of your willingness to make change. Making Better Choices

The six questions are:

Is this a real need, or something you want?
Are you considering a range of different options?
Consider the consequence of each choice?
Are you being honest with yourself?
Do you trust yourself?
Do you believe you deserve good things in life?

You can use this process on any kind of decision, big or small. Maybe practice on a few smaller choices, just so that you get the idea and flow. However, this process is going to be much more useful in situations where the outcomes are more long-lasting and significant, or where other people are trying to influence your choices (and you’re doubting they have your interests in mind).

First question first. Is this a real need? Who gets to define what is a “real” need? The ability to name, to define something, and have others buy into that, is power. It can be subjective, and change over time. When you get to decide what you really need or want (and, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with WANTS), that’s owning your power.

Think to a time when you were undecided, and others were trying to influence you about what you should need. How did they try to persuade you about what you really needed (or wanted)?

Are you looking at a range of options? This doesn’t mean you have to test-drive each and every product, you could be looking at a range of offerings that will have their own advantages and drawbacks. And this question dovetails with the next one, considering the consequences of each of the options. Maybe you’re considering job offers, or what college to attend, or moving to a new apartment. What are some of the issues? What would be the impact of location — ease of access to shopping and transportation and quiet? Cost? Social environment? Would it change your strategies of safety planning?

Now that we’ve looked at the first three questions, time to consider the second three. Remember, those first three are called “intellectual” or based on logic and reason. The second three are based more on emotion, on how you feel about this choice.

Frankly, we all more often make decisions based on our feelings, then use our intellect to justify them. So the feelings part is not — should not be treated as — an afterthought or aside. I think this is the more essential set of questions.

Are we being honest with ourselves about our situation? About our finances? About our needs and priorities? Are you seeing the lines where your responsibilities begin and end? For instance, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to make the other feel responsible for their feelings. As we all know — at least intellectually — we are responsible for taking care of our own feelings, not everyone else’s.

Does your decision show that you trust yourself? Again, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to undercut another’s self-trust by constantly criticizing them about anything, little or big. They can lie and “gaslight” the other, trying to convince them that what they see is not real, sometimes even calling them “crazy.” Or telling them outright ‘no, you’re not feeling that.’

Do you deserve better? Do you deserve to have good things happen? People in highly toxic relationships can hear “you’re lucky to have me, you’re so stupid or ugly or [fill in the blank with your favorite derogatory term] that nobody else will ever care about you.” Even if you don’t hear this sort of crap outright, over time our life expectations may have been tempered just by daily weathering, so that you can feel that this is about as good as you can expect. Maybe you think this relationship is OK because all spouses are like this, or all supervisors get away with that, or this is what coaches are supposed to do. But do you deserve better? If you’re mulling over this question, betcha the answer is yes.

Finally, we like to think we make decisions on our own. Not really true. We are social creatures: we tend to make choices and decisions similar to those choices and decisions made by others with whom we identify. Never underestimate the need to fit in, and that’s a real need. Johnson’s lack of consideration here is one of the biggest drawbacks of his little book; nevertheless it’s a good starting point for making better choices.

EmPOWERment Self-Defense is one way to open up your range of choices. Our winter class schedule is posted, see if you can make that choice today.

December 30, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Peaches and Self-Defense?

perpetrators, women's self defense

Today is June 24, 2021. We’re just in the first week of summer, and I already am sunburnt. This weekend the temperature is expected to hit over 100° Fahrenheit. Yes, here in the glorious Emerald City, in June.

Regardless, June is a great month for grilling (ok, maybe not this weekend). One of my favorites is grilled peaches. Find some freestone peaches, cut them in half and get rid of the pit, oil them a bit, and put them on a hot grill. I do cut side down first, then flip them over and move them off direct heat so juices can accumulate in the little well. After they are nice and soft and smokey I let them cool down, slice them, and stir in some dessert wine vinegar or good balsamic.

Speaking of peaches. Maybe about nine years ago one of my students in the six-week self-defense course came to class beaming. She got to use some of what she learned. She was grocery shopping in the early evening. She was picking out some nice peaches, ripe ones, ready to eat. As she contemplated her choices, she felt an odd sensation, like someone standing right behind her. There was someone standing behind her. She glanced over her shoulder, and described to us in the class a man, kind of tall and wide. He was wearing a faded T shirt and sweatpants. She thought he hadn’t bothered combing his hair before leaving his house. The image of Jabba the Hut popped into my head.

She then took a look at the cart next to him. What would Jabba the Hut eat? Beer. Pretzels. Chips. Beer. Twinkies. Did I say beer?

A little voice in her head whispered, “He’s not here for the peaches.”

My student said that before taking this class she would have made herself smaller, said in a soft yet high-pitched voice “oh, am I in your way, I’m so sorry!” She would have slinked away, without ever having looked at his face. She decided to do different.

She extended her elbows so they were sticking out to the sides. Then she turned. He was so close that one elbow got him in the ribs. Not hard, but just enough to make him take a step back. Then she looked him in the face and said, in a voice just loud enough for anyone in the produce section to hear, “Oh, you were standing so close!”

Did you notice what she did NOT say? I’ll tell you at the end.*

She could tell he was angry. And other people in the produce section were staring at them. So he just glared, grabbed his cart, and huffed away.

Just about as soon as he left, she felt twinges of regret. What if she was wrong? What if he wasn’t simply trying to harass her? She fretted as she continued shopping.

But just a few minutes later he was back. He didn’t see her, but she sure noticed him. And she saw him do the SAME THING to two other women. One woman was selecting green beans, and the other strawberries. Both of those women did what she said she would have done, made themselves smaller, apologized for taking up space in a public grocery store, and slinked away. Did he then avail himself of the green beans and strawberries? No.

By the time she found the store manager, it was too late. He had checked out and gone.

She decided that she’s spend more time practicing with and trusting her instincts.

So she’d be better able to stay safe and live life. You too can do that.

[*Oh, right, she did not say “sorry.”]

June 24, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Do You Trust Yourself?

abused women, emotional intelligence, perpetrators, women's self defense, preventing sexual assault, personal safety, self determination, self care

Today is May 26, 2021. I have some decisions to make. Scheduling classes for the summer. Usually it’s not a big deal, kind of like a jigsaw puzzle putting together dates with class types, but this year I have to choose between running live in-person classes or sticking with virtual Zoom sessions. Do I require in-person class attendees to be vaccinated for COVID-19? To show proof, or trust they are truthful?

Do you trust yourself?

I read this book years ago, “Yes” or “No”: The Guide to Better Decisions by Spencer Johnson. Johnson is known for writing business self-help books that rely on allegories to convey their points. In this one he goes through a tale about a young man needing to make a decision and the advice he’s given by a mentoring group while on an extended hiking trip. We never find out what the issue or choices were, the whole point was the process of arriving at a decision via a series of six questions. The first three questions were in the rational realm, but the second three were more in the domain of the heart. One of those key questions to ask oneself is “does this decision show that I trust my instincts?”

Do you trust yourself?

Sure, all of us on occasion have misjudged situations, misread body language, acted on our prejudice and assumptions. But what happened afterwards? What did you find out? Did you find feedback to learn more about yourself? Were you honest with yourself?

Do you trust yourself?

Or, did someone subsequently try to shame you, or insist that your assessments are always wrong? Always would be wrong? With constant picking on your choice of clothing, restaurants, or movies. Disparaging comments about your family and friends? Expressions of contempt for your opinions on matters cultural or political?

Over a decade ago one student told me about her self-development strategy. She sold cherries in Pike Place Market over the summer, One student learned to "read" people when she sold cherries at the market, and learned to trust herself. when she was home from college. Now, who’s in Pike Place Market in the summer? A whole lotta tourists, who really don’t need cherries. They may need a snowglobe with the Space Needle, or a chocolate salmon, or a T-shirt that says “my parents went to Seattle and all I got was this T shirt.” But not cherries. So she came out from behind the stand to interact more with visitors. From that experience she learned to assess body language and attitudes, and more quickly figure out who may be a customer and who may be a creep. (BTW, I also talked about this in my blog post 2 weeks ago.)

As I’ve noted several times, the great American sage Yogi Berra is said to have said, you can observe a lot just by watching.

She honed her sense of trusting herself. You can, too.

Stay safe, live life.

May 26, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Sensing Something

self defense, dating violence, violence against women, personal safety, verbal safety skills, Seattle self defense class, boundary setting

Today I’m back to “red flags.” These are the hints that something may be awry. Also called gut feelings, intuition, instincts, it refers to trusting yourself when you’re uncomfortable or sensing something am Girls learning about red flags and trusting their intuition when sensing something wrong iss. Some red flags are subtle, some really blatant. They are all specific behaviors that somebody is doing that bumps into one of your boundaries.

Red flags also come in different “flavors.” By that I mean they are tactics to try to take down specific boundaries. Consider these three red flags, and what they have in common:

▪ Keeps asking you out after you’ve said no
▪ Pushes you to drink alcohol or use drugs
▪ Refuses to wear protection when engaging in sex

If this were a class setting, I’d give you a few seconds to think about it. If you want to, take a bit of time yourself to think about these three.

What they have in common is an explicit rejection of boundaries you’ve already stated.

If you’ve already said no to dating, repeatedly asking is not flattering. At best, it’s awkward. At worst, dangerous and (very) rarely life-threatening. Do you really want to go on a date with someone who ignores your boundaries?

Alcohol and drugs are known to impair our cognitive functions and physical reactions. Indulgence should be a choice. If someone is pressuring you, wonder why. Never underestimate the human need to fit in, to belong. Perpetrators will frequently exploit that, especially in a social situation.

Refusing to wear protection when having sex. What could possibly go wrong? The statement assumes you’ve already had a discussion, or you’re having the discussion. Maybe you’re not ready for parenthood, or don’t want to deal with an STD. Now do you think the person with whom you’re having this discussion is unaware of potential risks? They’re aware all right, just don’t feel it’s a big deal for them, and your boundary is just a nuisance.

As I’ve already said, the flavor of these three red flags is that of explicitly negating your boundary. Of saying your needs are just preferences, probably trivial, and not taken seriously. You may be past the state of sensing something amiss, you could very well be experiencing some strong feelings of violation, or embarrassment, or even shame that your boundaries were disregarded. We all know that many boundaries do change over time and with different people, and you get to decide which are more fluid and which are more fixed. Because your freedom to make your own choices, to be able to trust yourself in sensing something wrong, is essential to real personal safety.

Speaking of which, our Personal Safety Essentials class is happening tomorrow night. Self-Defense for Teen Girls ages 12-14 is this coming Sunday, and Self-Defense for Teen Girls ages 15+ is March 13th (but that one may be full now). I should be posting a Spring schedule in the next week or so.

Stay safe, live life.

March 2, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Sorry?

Uncategorized, women's self defense, apology as self defense, verbal self defense, verbal safety skills, self determination, boundary setting

It happens to everyone. You say or do something that offends or upsets another. You care about that other person, and you recognize why your actions or words caused them grief. You acknowledge it to them, and say you are sorry.

While knowing how to apologize is an important safety (and social) skill, it is not today’s topic.

Today I want to emphasize that your setting a boundary is not cause for an apology.

You should not have say sorry for treating your needs and peace of mind as priorities. You should not have to say sorry for taking your own safety and comfort into account. You should not have to say sorry for self-care.

You should not have to say sorry for taking up your personal space. You should not have to say sorry for having your own opinions, and voicing them. You should not have to say sorry for taking time for yourself.

But still, you may find yourself apologizing just to get by, just to get through the day. Because it seems you’re judged more harshly when you dare to assert yourself. And you still need to get along with others at work, or in some social settings. If that is the case, if you decide to make that tactical decision to use the “s” word, do it with no guilt. Because it’s your choice. Sometimes, in considering personal safety, you have a choice between being safe and being right. That is your determination. You may not want to fight every battle, so choose which are most important for you. Do remember, however, that this is the result of a specific power dynamic, a tug-of-war over who gets to define what is “acceptable” or “appropriate” or “normal.”

And remember that a truly crucial element of your personal safety is the choice you make to keep yourself safer.

January 27, 2021/0 Comments/by Joanne Factor

Grateful

gratitude, self care

Gratitude Thankful Grateful

I’m writing this on November 5, just after Election Day, and we don’t know who will be trying to steer our country over the next four years. More than 230,000 of our fellow Americans have succumbed to COVID-19. Many Americans don’t know if they’ll have food and shelter in the near future, while others are experiencing more closeness and good times within their families. And, within the next few weeks, we’ll each have to figure out how to deal with conflicting pressures around the holiday most associated with family and home and gatherings.

Cathy, a friend and colleague, has an annual tradition for this time of year. It’s the Gratitude Project. It is a private Facebook group. Each and every day of the month, Cathy posts something for which she is grateful. Others joined in, and now there’s over 550 members.

The idea of turning to gratitude in uncertain or troubling times is not new, and you don’t have to search long before you find online resources (such as this article). I personally find a focus on gratitude helpful. Some nights, when I can’t fall asleep, I challenge myself to find three people (or groups or events) for which I am grateful. I’m usually asleep by the time I’m going over the wonderful attributes of the second. For me there really is something calming and reassuring in recalling that for which I have to be grateful. I’ve written other posts on self-care; recalling to whom you are grateful is both soothing (emotional management in the moment) and true self-care (laying the groundwork for a future healthier and more resilient self). When would be a good time for you to routinely think about gratitude?

Life may be a bit rocky for a while longer. Keep up that self-care, and look out for others who may need some extra support.

November 6, 2020/by Joanne Factor

Getting Caught in the “Conversation Web”

perpetrators, self defense, abuse, verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills

All of us have had difficult conversations with friends, co-workers, family, etc., where we’ve had to set boundaries. Maybe, in the course of such boundary-setting, the other person took exception and voiced their objections, and you left shaking your head, feeling verbally or emotionally beat up. You’ve just experienced the “conversation web.”

There are many reasons to set boundaries, as well as many possible reactions. The other person may just say OK, and respect your boundaries. They may say OK, but often “forget” (maybe just because they forget, or they’re doing it deliberately). They may be surprised or puzzled because this isn’t something you’ve done in the past.

Or they may express surprise, sorrow, or anger. Among the reasons (and this is NOT a comprehensive list) could be:

fear that you are looking to end a friendship/relationship that they still value
you are looking to change some of your habits that no longer are good for you, but they know you that way (and even may be enablers or co-dependent) and see this as a loss for them
they are manipulative, and manipulators just hate it when they hit boundaries

So they get aggressive. One tactic they may use is the “conversation web.”

You’re chatting with one other person, and they are standing too close for your comfort. You set a boundary. “Hey, my space bubble is a bit bigger than yours,” you tell them as you take a half-step back and bring your hands in front. “I’m more comfortable here.” Most people will just say OK, and leave it at that. But this person takes offense and challenges you. “What, do I smell bad? It was OK yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. Chris and Jamie are OK with it, why aren’t you? That’s just RUDE! Are you PMSing? You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re just too sensitive! I thought we were friends. You are SO selfish! That attitude is messed up. No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

This is the “PARTING SHOT,” where they shoot back negatives hoping to deflate you. It really isn’t about you at all. It’s just them taking their frustrations out on you for daring to have boundaries that are inconvenient (for them). And you can get caught trying to justify why, but no explanation seems good enough for them.

The antidote? The “BROKEN RECORD.” Saying the same phrase over and over and over and over.

Because the whole conversation web is not the other person trying to get to know you better via your explanation. It’s all about you handing over your explanation so it can be shot back at you.

Here’s a dialog about how this would work, taking the statements from above:

THEM: What, do I smell bad?