Tag Archive for: personal safety skills

Safety Skills for Walking Home — Learn Some Now

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Have you ever been out walking, for errands or exercise, and felt something amiss?  And you realize the same person seems to be consistently behind you?  Perhaps as you’ve glanced back it seems like they’re suddenly looking away.  You wonder, are they following me?  And you search your brain for your safety skills.

That’s happened to a lot of my students.  It’s happened to me.  This video is about that incident, almost 40 years ago.  Way before I began teaching self-defense, even before I realized that self-defense was a thing.

I still remember it in detail, even though this happened so long ago.  I occasionally wonder how it influenced my later choices, who I consider trustworthy, or my foundations of personal safety and safety skills.

Malcolm Gladwell, in his recent book Talking To Strangers, proposes that unless it’s super obvious, we give people we just meet the benefit of the doubt and some of our trust.  After a while, it gets hard to change our minds about them, even when they begin to violate our boundaries and eventually cause us grief.  In fact, he infers that people who are  NOT inclined to trust others are lonely and unhappy paranoids.  (I reviewed this book on Facebook Live a few months ago.)  Not surprisingly, many students who doubt another’s intent express concern that they are paranoid.  Well, if that other person is pushing your boundaries and not listening when you correct them, you’re not paranoid.

In this story, a stranger does push boundaries.  A common response is to ignore that person, which is more likely to work when there is greater distance between you and them.  That tactic did not work in my case, and I moved on to others.  And one of the indicators of more likely success in self-defense is having a few tricks up your sleeve, and switching them until you find which works.

You’ll learn quite a few tricks in these self-defense classes, which currently are all online.

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When Boundaries You Set Verbally are Ignored

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What can you do when someone you care about disregards your boundaries?  The ones you thought you were so clear about?

Depends.

Today I won’t be giving the “one answer,” because there isn’t one answer most of the time.  I’ll outline more of a process. However, the crucial approach is your focus.  If your intent is to punish someone, it will be far less effective.  Your focus should be on YOUR comfort and safety.  Focus on YOURself.

We’ll begin with the assumption that this is someone you know, as most conflict happens with people you know.  Consider:

  • What’s the fundamental nature of this relationship?  Family?  Good friend?  Neighbor?  Work colleague?  Supervisor?  Social acquaintance?  Boss?  Coach?
  • What is the history?  What is your past experience in this relationship?
  • What are the power dynamics?  Have they changed over time?
  • What does this relationship mean to you?  Not what you think it should mean to you.
  • Where is this relationship on the continuum between adversarial and collaborative?
  • How important is this person in your life?

Think about that last point again — how important this person is in your life.  A more important relationship can generally stand more discussion about expectations, hopes, and trust.  Dr. Brené Brown has noted that having boundaries respected is a significant indicator of trust, and we confer more trust on those who acknowledge and respect boundaries (including their own).

Notice I’m not saying “use these words” or “that body language.”  Those choices should follow the contours of the relationship, where you’ve been with it in the past and where you see its future.

One instance.  a student had a romantic interest abroad.  He lived in Eurpoe — when it was evening over there it was past midnight in Seattle.  He tended to phone her in his evening, usually around 2:00 am her time.  They had a few conversations about it, she asked him not to phone so late, and he would always apologize and say he’d try to call earlier but just need to hear her voice.  And he kept phoning her at 2 am.  Yes, she kept answering.

Another instance.  Actually, a number of instances since I’ve heard this same basic story over and over.  Student is dating a very smart, witty, articulate, funny person.  They usually have a great time.  However, every so often if they disagree, this person’s cleverness would turn contemptuous.  The discussion would move quickly from whatever they disagreed about to student’s “fundamental flaws.”  In some cases they broke up but got back together.  They promised they’d change — until the next disagreement.

In both instances, there was little downside for the other person to continue their behavior.  In the first case, to keep phoning at his convenience since she didn’t reinforce her boundary by not answering. In the second, to keep up personal attacks instead of working through differences.  Why are these boundaries ignored?  Maybe:

  • They don’t agree with your boundaries but won’t say that outright
  • They continue to get what they want, with no appreciable consequences
  • They are solidifying a power imbalance
  • This relationship is not as important to them as it is to you
  • They have other needs they are reluctant to express

Remember, there will be disagreements in any relationship of value.  The issues lies in how those disagreements are expressed and processed.

The next level is to recognize that ignoring a boundary it yet another boundary violation, and articulate that. Possibilities:

“Honey, we’d talked about you phoning me so late, and you always agree to phone earlier.  But that doesn’t happen.  I love talking with you, and I need uninterrupted sleep.  I’m turning my phone off at 10 pm Seattle time.  Please call earlier.”

“Honey, we’d talked about you phoning me so late, and you always agree to phone earlier.  But that doesn’t happen, and I see that it really doesn’t work with your schedule.  I love talking with you, and I need more uninterrupted sleep.  How about if we schedule our phone calls, so I can plan for more quality sleep?”

“Every time we disagree, it devolves into name-calling and personal attacks.  That’s not how I want to resolve our differences!  I’m going to call a “time out” next time a discussion begins to get off-track.  Maybe I’ll take a walk, or go for some tea.  And I’ll expect that when I come back we can come to a better way of resolution.”

“Whenever we disagree, you get angry quickly and resort to name-calling.  We discuss this, you swear you’ll change, yet the next disagreement finds the same pattern on repeat.  Being able to talk about feelings and issues is important to me, and important in every meaningful relationship I’m in.  What do you need to honor that?”

The idea is setting a more concrete boundary, involving your level of contact and time with that person.  And then sticking to it.  While ehe intent is your self-care, the other person may feel it as punitive.  So be sure it’s a boundary you are willing to enforce!

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Two Boundary-Setting Tools You Need Today

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We’re now past five months into our “shelter at home” lives. Some people are experiencing more positive, quality family time. Some people have realized they needed to slow down, and now have the opportunity to re-balance their lives. They are fortunate.

Other people — even if they remain employed, can work from home, and are not in danger of food insecurity or eviction — are finding this new family closeness wearing. Finding both the time and space to “go” to work, set up children’s learning and after-school activities, and take care of the rest of life is a new juggling act. Maybe this is you? Maybe you need more support, but it’s not coming and are furthermore expected to give still more of yourself. You want to reset some boundaries. But everyone is under new pressures.

I don’t have a secret to solving all these issues. I do, however, suggest beginning with these two concepts before a conversation begins.

First, look at the bigger picture. Where are these relationships in your life? I’m assuming you value them. Are they long-term? Spouse or long-time partner? Child — youth, teen, or adult? I’m also assuming these are neither abusive nor manipulative relationships. Where do you see these relationships in the future?

Second, look at your current boundaries, and boundary-setting process. What are you feeling? What would you like to see happen, and what are your less negotiable needs?

Some guidelines to engaging for support:

  • Give thought to how to express what you need, not just what to say.
  • Include tone of voice. Practice what you want to say. Use your smartphone — record yourself and listen back. Get a trusted friend to give feedback. Does your tone express your intent? Maybe some frustration is coming out — how would that other person respond to that tone?
  • When it comes time for a conversation, acknowledge the other person’s contributions.
  • Frame it as a “we” issue. We are on the same team, in the same family, we all want positive outcomes.
  • Since you’ve already given thought to your needs that are currently not happening, state them.
  • Eliminate the word “but.” “But” tells the other person that the other shoe is about to drop. That their contribution is now minimized. Compare the two:
  • “I really value our time together, but I need more space.” This feels like an oppositional setup.
  • “I really value our time together, and I need more space.” I would add the word “also” between the words in “I need.” The tone can become more collaborative.
  • There is a time and a place to be sorry. Expressing your needs is not that time.
  • If this boundary will put additional burdens on the other person, acknowledge that.
  • Finally, there is no “secret.” It’s building relationships that involve trust and vulnerability. Which takes time and commitment.

And check out this TED talk by Dr. Senem Eren on personal boundaries for well-being. Well-articulated presentation on why healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships, as well as to just being physically healthy.

Since all our self-defense classes are online for the foreseeable future, we do more practicing of verbal and body-language skills to set boundaries.  If that’s your key take-away from a class, now would be a good time to check them out.

So, what’s standing in the way of you setting the boundaries you need?

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