Why Rape is Under-Reported: Reason #1

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I’m occasionally asked why rape is under-reported. Not asked very often, because most of us know without ever having to be explicitly told. Most of us recognize that rape victims, far more so than victims of any other crime, are made to bear a disproportionately large responsibility for their victimization.

A recent article illustrates this: http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/12/28/bahamas.baseball.rape/index.html?iref=obinsite. Actually, it’s not the article, it’s the comments. A college baseball player is accused of rape. The article is pretty bare-bones. But the comments on the article tend toward the vitriolic side, against women who report rape. See, there’s a vocal segment who feel that rape is an entitlement. Not that they’d actually phrase it that way, because rape is a crime. But what counts as rape?

Or how about this article (http://detnews.com/article/20101110/METRO/11100371/Alleged-rape-victim–14–taunted–kills-self), where a high school freshman accused a popular senior of raping her. After the allegations because public and her identity revealed, other students in her school were polarized and she was subjected to verbal attacks. Apparently the possibility that the rest of the alleged perpetrator’s life could be ruined (by his own actions no less) evoked more sympathy than anger at the possibility that he was a rapist. She killed herself. The county prosecutor initially decided to drop the sexual assault case because the one witness was gone, but since then another victim has come forward (http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpp/news/local/joe-tarnopolski-facing-new-allegations-20101111-wpms).

Or this article in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/29/world/europe/29iht-letter29.html?_r=3&ref=julianpassange&pagewanted=all), where the author asked some of her friends (women in their 30s) if they thought the charges against WikiLeaks principal Julian Assange were rape. The responses were resoundingly no. One woman said that these charges “cheapen rape.” Really? How?

FYI, at least in Washington state, and probably most if not all states in the USA, having sex with someone without consent IS legally rape. That includes the victim having too much alcohol or drugs in their system to give consent. How about when they’re sleeping — where’s the consent there?

Or look at the reactions of many prominent personalities when Al Gore was implicated in sexual assault. Now I like polar bears and the polar ice caps as much as the next environmentalist, but to give their most celebrated proponent an a priori pass just because of who he is, well that’s too much.

Almost half of all women and girls who are raped either tell only one other person or nobody at all.

Most rapists are someone the victim knows, often someone the victim (and their friends) like. And, judging by the way we treat victims, it can’t be rape if that person is well-liked, right?

It’s not only the general populance that has issues with sexual assault victims. This recent article took a comprehensive look at how reported sexual assaults were handled by law enforcement, and found that the actual rate of false report of rape is much lower than that assumed by many people, particularly by law enforcement. This article notes that

[O]ne of the most important challenges for successfully investigating and prosecuting cases of non-stranger sexual assault is the idea that many—or even most—reports are false. As long as this belief is accepted by law enforcement professionals, prosecutors, jurors, and others, our efforts to improve the criminal justice response to sexual assault will have only limited impact. Only those cases that look like our societal stereotype of “real rape” will be successfully investigated and prosecuted.

I teach an annual weekend workshop for rape victims. Each year I ask of those who did report their rapes, by a show of hands, how many have had positive experiences with law enforcement during the reporting process. A few raise their hands. And then I ask how many have had negative experiences. And all of those who said they reported their rapes report negative experiences with police or prosecutors. The predominant issue is that the victims felt that they were being accused by law enforcement personnel of being to blame.

The #1 reason why rape is under-reported, not a big surprise, is the prevailing cultural undercurrent of blaming the victim.

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It’s All About Control. But You Already Knew That.

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All women may be at risk of sexual assault, but risk is not evenly distributed across the ages. Younger women are at higher risk, with those ages 17-24 and in college at the peak of peril.

Among the several reasons that younger women are at higher risk is that they are more often more trusting, and more easily misled. So when I read this article on why some* men in their late 30s/40s say they prefer to date younger women, the similarities were quite impressive. Each respondent phrased their answers more agreeably, but each one came down to “because younger women are easier to control.”

Some select quotes, and my interpretations:

They don’t (yet) have a laundry list of what they want in a partner, in a career, in a life. . . . I think that kind of attitude appeals to thirty-something guys who want a relationship to really be on our terms.

Interpretation: Because she doesn’t have strong opinions of her own (or I can safely ignore them and she’ll go along), I get to call the shots.

They tend to be untainted by experiences that have hardened older women. Like when a woman’s been lied to a lot after years of dating, she always thinks you’re lying to her. And that’s a turnoff. Younger women are less cynical and that’s a big draw.

Interpretation: I can get away with lying to her.

She’s interested in the here and now, in going out, in having fun. It may sound like a cliché, but it’s reality. I’m not anti-marriage, I’m just anti-agenda.

Interpretation: I’m not really anti-agenda, I’m for my own agenda and only my agenda.

You can play ‘cruise director’—show her all your secret favorite places that she probably hasn’t experienced yet. They’re easier to impress and very willing to be escorted around.

Interpretation: I get to call the shots.

In short, it’s all about the power.

And that is the connection with sexual assault. I’m not asserting that the guys interviewed for this article are rapists, not at all. What I am saying is that there’s a LOT of overlap in what these middle-aged men were looking for and what most serial acquaintance rapists are looking for. So if you are a young female, and find that you’re attracting attention from somewhat older men who are happy to take control (however they care to phrase it), please give some thought to your own desires and plans (your “agenda”), and how you express them.

Nobody will give you power and control over your own life. You just have to take it.

These critical life lessons are covered in Self Defense 101 as well as the intensive Self Defense Weekend Workshop.

*This definitely un-scientific survey reflects the views of only a small group of men specifically selected to make a point (and a pseudo-news story), and is not intended to make global assertions about Mankind.

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How Can We Eradicate Rape When It’s Not Really Treated as a Crime

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Variation of this article are bubbling up here and there.  I’d bet that this story from Boston can be written about almost any college campus in any city, just change the names and titles a bit.

No Crackdown on Assaults at Colleges:  http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2010/02/25/no_crackdown_on_assaults_at_colleges/?page=full

Or how about this, from National Public Radio?

Campus Rape Victims: A Struggle For Justice:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124001493&sc=emaf

It’s hard enough to get women to report any sexual assault, and it is even more frustrating (and, dare I say, abusive?) when nothing happens.  When the perpetrator gets no more than a slap on the wrist, and the survivor gets the nightmares and therapy.

When it’s estimated that 1 of 5 college girls will experience attempted or actual sexual assault during their time in school, it’s long past time that schools stopped being complicit in “boys will be boys.”

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But What if He’s REALLY TALL?

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That’s one of the most common question I get in my self-defense classes.  And I think women are very comfortable asking me, as I’m usually the shortest in the room.

Well, here’s a story of a 74 year old woman fighting off a young, strapping six footer. 

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/local/85934442.html

As I’ve mentioned (over and over), persistence is one of the keys in effective defense.  And Grandma sure had that!

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Sexual Assault Prevention Tips GUARANTEED to Work!

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Not much is life is covered by a real guarantee, especially when it involves violence and assault.  These tips, however, if diligently followed by would-be perpetrators, WILL WORK!

I’ve read variations of this now on several sites, including Girl with Pen (who attributes authorship to Colleen Jameson) and The Huffington Post’s Ellen Snortland (whose book Beauty Bites Beast is THE “why-to”book of self-defense). 

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

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