Tag Archive for: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Identifying Child Molesters, a book by Carla van Dam, PhD

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I just finished reading Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.  This book was published over 20 years ago, yet it seems oddly contemporary.  It’s obvious that a lot of the examples she uses are old: some individuals and organizations named have faded into obscurity, technology has changed, and laws involving pedophilia are updated.  Yet Book: Identifying Child Molestersthe process by which assailants groom their targets, in fact often groom communities, is still alive and kicking.  By grooming, I mean how wanna-be molesters get chummy with parents, teachers, and other community members to gain access to children, and how they cultivate relationships with the kids.

Earlier this year I taught a Safety Skills class for children (ages 5-8) and parents.  One exercise was to have the kids go to the parent and tell them a neighbor had invited them to come over to see their new tropical fish.  The next exercise was for the parents:  they were to approach that neighbor (role-played by me), and let me know it’s not okay to invite their child over without direct and immediate parental permission.  It was surprisingly hard for most of the parents to get the words out, even with prompting.  Yet this is probably the most critical link to break in the chain of events leading to child molestation.

That is a huge challenge around identifying child molesters.  Non-aggressive confrontation seems to be hard for too many people.  Yet the long-term consequences are even harder.  It’s so difficult, now and throughout history, to acknowledge that someone we thought we knew and may like, who has been helpful and kind, has also been abusive.  We like to believe that molesters are evil monsters, badness runs through everything they touch, and their true character is obvious. 

Not true. 

Mostly we’re gambling.  Betting that that person whose actions and words sometimes cause us discomfort is just socially awkward.  Betting that abuse and manipulation happens to other people.  Betting that we are too smart and aware and educated, that we can readily spot the baddies.  But only once we’re sure, because we don’t want to embarrass someone or wreck their career needlessly.  

Once we are sure, however, it’s too late.

As Dr. van Dam wrote, “Learning to say ‘no’ with grace and certainty to those whose behavior seems problematical does not interfere with friendships, but does send potential molesters away.  Those who are interested in opportunities to molest children will not invest their time with adults who do not tolerate their charm.”

You can learn to be one of those adults, and practice some skills in our classes.

Stay safe, live life.

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Recognize Social Media Hoaxes

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Happy Earth Day, everyone!  Although today is Thursday, April 22, 2021, I’m not here to talk about Earth Day. But a good discussion moment came up in social media, about media literacy and how to recognize social media hoaxes.

You may have seen social media postings about April 24. About an alleged group of six men who are said to have declared — via a TikTok video — April 24 as National Rape Day, suggesting that men go out and sexually assault women, and it would be legal.

Others on social media have been sounding the alarm. Stay at home, carry a weapon, be on high alert, etc. Except, where’s the alleged video? One TikTok account claims to have seen it, and claims to be spreading the word because most of her followers are women and they should be aware of it. Others have picked up on that warning. But I don’t know of many, or even any other accounts claiming to have seen the alleged original video.

And TikTok cannot find the offending video, on their own platform.

If I were a gambling type of gal, I’d be betting this is a hoax. That this “news” is a troll or two whose goal is to generate attention, spread fear, and kick back laughing as they watch responses roll in. Said trolls could be the purported group of six, or it could be the account that issued the warning about a non-existent Group of Six.

I personally do not plan on taking precautions other than what I would normally. Remember, an average of about 1,200 persons are sexually assaulted each day in the United States. The alleged “advice” we are hearing from those spreading the April 24 hoax is to stay safe by staying at home. I call BS. Most women are raped in someone’s home. By people they know.

recognize social media hoaxes

Wouldn’t it be nice if recognizing social media hoaxes were this easy?

This is a good example of why we — and I mean “we” as individual media consumers, and that probably includes you on occasion — why we need to practice better media literacy and critical thinking (yes, we do cover that in our self-defense classes).  Why we need to more surely recognize social media hoaxes.  This has the markings of a hoax. It pushes a hot-button issue with a claim of imminent outrageous action. It has a built-in audience, and will attract a sizable readership, especially on social media. And there’s no real evidence. Before spreading crap, please do some homework if you have ANY doubts. Click the links, all of them. No links? That’s a red flag. Google all the names. Reverse image search all images. Run a Whois on domain names. Or if you don’t want to do all that, at the very least find a reliable fact-checking site, maybe Snopes.com. I am not on TikTok, but if I were, I’d be checking into the reliability of those spreading this. Please do not empower trolls by spreading their misinformation — it sucks up your time and energy needlessly, and it sucks up the time and energy of others with whom you share, that can be put to much better use. And it contributes to a social environment where most people consider the world a suckier place then it really is.

Stay safe, and live life!

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What You Don’t Know About Rape Laws May Shock You

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness (and Prevention) Month.  This one’s for you, aimed first at girls going away to college. But it’s really applicable for anyone moving out-of-state.  Or who doesn’t know their state’s rape laws.

Laws around crime, in this case sexual assault, differ state by state.  Maybe you already knew that, but I’m surprised by how many of my students did not.

Rape laws vary across the country. Most law around crime is in a state’s domain, the federal government only claims an interest in specific and limited situations.

So if you’re moving — or will be attending school — out-of-state, you should educate yourself.  If you’re not off to college or moving, do you know something about the rape laws where you live?

I’ve been telling teens this in my Off to College classes for several years. It came to the top of my attention a couple of weeks ago thanks to this article in the Washington Post. A man’s conviction for third-degree criminal sexual conduct was overturned by the Minnesota Supreme Court. Their ruling centered around state law that defined a victim as being “mentally incapacitated” due to too much alcohol or drugs ONLY if said alcohol or drugs were administered without her knowledge. In this particular case, the victim had drank a lot before, went to a “party” that really wasn’t, passed out, and woke up to find the “host” engaging in sex with her. She told him she didn’t want to have sex, but he insisted and continued, and she again lost consciousness.

The Supreme Court ruled that because the woman had drank beforehand, she was not “mentally incapacitated” according to the law’s definition. And, according to this article, most states in this country have similar laws.

This reminded me of another article I’d read a few years ago. In North Carolina there was this “right to finish,” where you could not change your mind about engaging in sex after you began, even if the other person began getting violent or abusive. Fortunately, it’s been changed — after being on the books for about 40 years.

Back to Minnesota. If the rape law is that clear, why was the defendant originally convicted, and the conviction upheld by an appeals court? I’m not an attorney, don’t play one on TV, and certainly not a law expert. However, I did find a very useful resource. RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) has a webpage that summarizes state sex crimes definitions and penalties. I looked up Minnesota. I have to restate that I know nothing about the case other than what I read in the article in WaPo. And there is another definition under third-degree criminal sexual conduct: physically helpless. One of the characteristics of physically helpless is being “not conscious.” Which, according to the article, this victim was.

I cannot say if the lower courts were relying on one definition in the law, and the Supreme Court chose a different definition to take priority. If so, that is an issue of power, of which ruling body has the power to take possibly contradictory sections of law and decide whose view prevails.

My advice to girls (and boys) off to college: get familiar with the law of that state (check on the RAINN site). And don’t count on it to be obvious.

Stay safe, live life.

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