Awareness While Walking: A Success Story

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An often-asked question, or sometimes it’s not even phrased as a question, is about awareness while walking.  Students sometimes say, “I don’t feel I’m as aware as I think I could be, or should be,” and leave that dangling; is it a question, like asking for how to become more aware, or simply a statement of something they’d like to change?  Sometimes its parents complaining that their teens are too focused on their phones and not as cognizant of their surroundings as they could be.  Whichever, awareness is helpful.  Here’s one success story.

One of my students, probably about 7 or 8 years ago, was a high school junior.  She was in the six-week Self-Defense 101 class, along with several of her friends.  They were all attentive, and took their personal safety seriously as they were becoming more and more independent.  One late spring day she and another friend (who was not in this class) were walking down California Avenue in West Seattle, near the Junction.  For those not familiar with the area, it’s a commercial street with lots of restaurants, boutiques, and a wide variety of small businesses.  Generally a robust and busy street.  As they walked and chatted, a young male across the street got her attention.  She noticed that he seemed to be keeping pace with her, and each time she glanced over it appeared his head had just quickly swiveled forward.  Red flags, by her accounting.  Because if you’re walking in public and notice that the same person is in about the same location relative to you several times, they’re very likely following you. 

She decided to keep up her awareness while walking, as she and her friend chatted.  But when they got to the next Awareness while walking enhances both safety and your enjoyment of the momentintersection, he crossed the street; some streets are “all ways walk” when the pedestrian light goes green, so you can cross at a diagonal, which he did.  Now he was in front of them.

As they walked, my student noticed this young man began slowing down.  She and her friend were getting closer and closer.  When they were just maybe two yards behind, he just stopped.  Simple stopped walking.  My student and her friend did notice, and moved laterally to walk around him.  As they passed, the young man also moved laterally, literally bumping into them. He seemed to stumble.  

My student’s friend, who was the one who actually got bumped, turned to the man and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, are you OK?”  Apparently she wasn’t sure who did the bumping, even though this guy had to move sideways to bump into them.  The guy replied, speaking VERY slowly, “yeah, . . . I think  . . .  I’m . . .”  That’s as far as he got.  My student linked arms with her friend, made eye-to-face contact, and told the man, “we really need to be going,” and just walked off with her friend.  As they left she began telling her friend about her observations. 

Let’s just summarize the red flags she noticed:

  • He was in the same location, relative to them, several times,
  • seemed to quickly look away each time she glanced in his direction,
  • slowed down directly in front of them,
  • stopped directly in front of them,
  • moved sideways, right into them, as they tried to walk by,
  • seemed to stumble (my student thought it was faked), and
  • tried to keep them present by engaging in a slowed-down conversation.

Note this student could have dismissed any of these behaviors as insignificant, or decided she was over-reacting or even label herself as paranoid.  But instead she recognized the overall pattern, and trusted her gut feelings that her “awareness while walking” sense of red flags was real.  And that is success.

Stay safe, live life.

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Identifying Child Molesters, a book by Carla van Dam, PhD

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I just finished reading Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders, by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.  This book was published over 20 years ago, yet it seems oddly contemporary.  It’s obvious that a lot of the examples she uses are old: some individuals and organizations named have faded into obscurity, technology has changed, and laws involving pedophilia are updated.  Yet Book: Identifying Child Molestersthe process by which assailants groom their targets, in fact often groom communities, is still alive and kicking.  By grooming, I mean how wanna-be molesters get chummy with parents, teachers, and other community members to gain access to children, and how they cultivate relationships with the kids.

Earlier this year I taught a Safety Skills class for children (ages 5-8) and parents.  One exercise was to have the kids go to the parent and tell them a neighbor had invited them to come over to see their new tropical fish.  The next exercise was for the parents:  they were to approach that neighbor (role-played by me), and let me know it’s not okay to invite their child over without direct and immediate parental permission.  It was surprisingly hard for most of the parents to get the words out, even with prompting.  Yet this is probably the most critical link to break in the chain of events leading to child molestation.

That is a huge challenge around identifying child molesters.  Non-aggressive confrontation seems to be hard for too many people.  Yet the long-term consequences are even harder.  It’s so difficult, now and throughout history, to acknowledge that someone we thought we knew and may like, who has been helpful and kind, has also been abusive.  We like to believe that molesters are evil monsters, badness runs through everything they touch, and their true character is obvious. 

Not true. 

Mostly we’re gambling.  Betting that that person whose actions and words sometimes cause us discomfort is just socially awkward.  Betting that abuse and manipulation happens to other people.  Betting that we are too smart and aware and educated, that we can readily spot the baddies.  But only once we’re sure, because we don’t want to embarrass someone or wreck their career needlessly.  

Once we are sure, however, it’s too late.

As Dr. van Dam wrote, “Learning to say ‘no’ with grace and certainty to those whose behavior seems problematical does not interfere with friendships, but does send potential molesters away.  Those who are interested in opportunities to molest children will not invest their time with adults who do not tolerate their charm.”

You can learn to be one of those adults, and practice some skills in our classes.

Stay safe, live life.

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What If He Gets Angry?

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A frequent question:  What if he gets angry?  As March (a/k/a Women’s Herstory Month) slips into April (Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month), it’s a good time to consider how our past assumptions impact our current situations.  Our herstory is not sequestered in the past.  It is alive and often seething, usually out of sight and out of mind.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not that far away, women heard that, if assaulted, they should not resist.  Yes, you read that correctly.  They were told they’d be better off not fighting back.  Because the assailant, always male, was certainly bigger and stronger and there was NO WAY a woman could fend off that bigger, stronger, masculine assailant.  A woman who would try to fight back would only further enrage the assailant, and she’d end up getting hurt worse.  Of course there were no studies, no data, but who could dispute the obvious?

Like many other “obvious” truths, this one stood neither the test of time nor data.  Women who fight back are more likely to escape.  Women who speak up are more likely to not get assaulted.  And women who recognize the early behaviors that they are being targeted — and then enforce their boundaries — are far less likely to experience attempted assault.  We know more about the social dynamics surrounding assault.  But this is not news, we’ve known most of this for at least 40 years.

Yet, even today, I’m still often asked “what if he gets angry?”

Well, what if he DOES get angry?  Most of the time anger is an attempt at intimidation, which often works.  There’s the fear that a situation can spiral into physical violence, which does happen (though not as often as you’d think).  You have some quick decisions to make, and it would be helpful if you gave the matter some thought in advance. 

If you yield to their anger, are you safer? 

Is it sustainable in the long term?  Or you can chose a couple of specific verbal skills (broken record, distraction, direct confrontation) and script out some responses.  And maybe it’s a good time to learn (or refresh) your physical skills, just in case.

Stay safe, live life.

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