verbal safety Archives - Strategic Living

Making Better Choices

boundary setting, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, security, risk assessment, emotional intelligence, self-care, abuse, personal safety, self defense issue

For this final blog post of 2021 I’m going to be thinking about making better choices. How to think about the process of making decisions, so they can be better ones.

What makes a “better” decision? That’s up to you. Consider what you want, and what direction you want your life to go. What do you want to bring MORE of into your life, and what do want LESS of?

One book I’ve used as a reference is Yes or No: The Guide to Better Decisions, by Spencer Johnson. It’s written as an allegory, meaning it’s in a story format to make its points. While it’s a bit reductionist, I think it makes a good starting point.

In Yes or No, we’re asked to consider six questions. Three of these questions are more intellectual/logical, three are more about being in touch with your feelings.

But before we even get to the questions, here’s a bit of Johnson’s advice to begin. STOP any action you already know is a bad choice. That’s taking up too much of your energy and time already, and gets in the way of your willingness to make change. Making Better Choices

The six questions are:

Is this a real need, or something you want?
Are you considering a range of different options?
Consider the consequence of each choice?
Are you being honest with yourself?
Do you trust yourself?
Do you believe you deserve good things in life?

You can use this process on any kind of decision, big or small. Maybe practice on a few smaller choices, just so that you get the idea and flow. However, this process is going to be much more useful in situations where the outcomes are more long-lasting and significant, or where other people are trying to influence your choices (and you’re doubting they have your interests in mind).

First question first. Is this a real need? Who gets to define what is a “real” need? The ability to name, to define something, and have others buy into that, is power. It can be subjective, and change over time. When you get to decide what you really need or want (and, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with WANTS), that’s owning your power.

Think to a time when you were undecided, and others were trying to influence you about what you should need. How did they try to persuade you about what you really needed (or wanted)?

Are you looking at a range of options? This doesn’t mean you have to test-drive each and every product, you could be looking at a range of offerings that will have their own advantages and drawbacks. And this question dovetails with the next one, considering the consequences of each of the options. Maybe you’re considering job offers, or what college to attend, or moving to a new apartment. What are some of the issues? What would be the impact of location — ease of access to shopping and transportation and quiet? Cost? Social environment? Would it change your strategies of safety planning?

Now that we’ve looked at the first three questions, time to consider the second three. Remember, those first three are called “intellectual” or based on logic and reason. The second three are based more on emotion, on how you feel about this choice.

Frankly, we all more often make decisions based on our feelings, then use our intellect to justify them. So the feelings part is not — should not be treated as — an afterthought or aside. I think this is the more essential set of questions.

Are we being honest with ourselves about our situation? About our finances? About our needs and priorities? Are you seeing the lines where your responsibilities begin and end? For instance, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to make the other feel responsible for their feelings. As we all know — at least intellectually — we are responsible for taking care of our own feelings, not everyone else’s.

Does your decision show that you trust yourself? Again, in many emotionally manipulative relationships, one person tries to undercut another’s self-trust by constantly criticizing them about anything, little or big. They can lie and “gaslight” the other, trying to convince them that what they see is not real, sometimes even calling them “crazy.” Or telling them outright ‘no, you’re not feeling that.’

Do you deserve better? Do you deserve to have good things happen? People in highly toxic relationships can hear “you’re lucky to have me, you’re so stupid or ugly or [fill in the blank with your favorite derogatory term] that nobody else will ever care about you.” Even if you don’t hear this sort of crap outright, over time our life expectations may have been tempered just by daily weathering, so that you can feel that this is about as good as you can expect. Maybe you think this relationship is OK because all spouses are like this, or all supervisors get away with that, or this is what coaches are supposed to do. But do you deserve better? If you’re mulling over this question, betcha the answer is yes.

Finally, we like to think we make decisions on our own. Not really true. We are social creatures: we tend to make choices and decisions similar to those choices and decisions made by others with whom we identify. Never underestimate the need to fit in, and that’s a real need. Johnson’s lack of consideration here is one of the biggest drawbacks of his little book; nevertheless it’s a good starting point for making better choices.

EmPOWERment Self-Defense is one way to open up your range of choices. Our winter class schedule is posted, see if you can make that choice today.

December 30, 2021/by Joanne Factor

The Fine Art of Just Saying No

self defense classes for teen girls, boundary setting, self defense awareness, women's self defense, verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills, self defense for teen girls

Today, Wednesday Sept 29, 2021, is fine if somewhat overcast fall day. The leaves on my mini maple trees are turning their fall colors, and it’s just about time to sow the fall cover crop in the garden. Seasonal rituals, so to speak.

I have a few rituals of my own. One is reading the comic section of the Sunday paper. That’s the first section I go for. A couple of weeks ago, more specifically Sept 19, this strip of Between Friends appeared. It certainly felt familiar. As a self-defense teacher for over a quarter of a century, I’ve heard stuff like this. A lot.

the fine art of just saying no

And we go over this in class.

This strip depicts the same character, at different ages, declining an invitation. The teen girl is characterized as not quite getting out a NO and stumbling into acquiescence. The young adult woman is saying that NO, trying to make it more credible with the words “sorry” and “but” as well as an excuse (she has a whole list of possible excuses ready, just for these occasions). The verging-on-middle-age woman has dispensed with “sorry” as well as with using a specific excuse. And the older, wiser woman is just saying NO, because NO is a complete sentence.

There will be times in your life where you mess up, and you should say sorry. Declining an invitation, indeed setting any boundary, should not be such an occasion.

I also generally try to get rid of the BUTs in the middle. BUT is a minimizer — it says you’re not really all that sorry, or that you really would NOT love to.

NO is a complete sentence. Is it too brusque? Consider the relationship with whom you’re having this conversation. Often you really don’t owe them an explanation, and if not please do not feel that you’re being rude by not offering one. Many people feel compelled to have to explain themselves, when they don’t. Explaining yourself to another can indicate a close relationship. Or wanting to be heard and understood by someone you see on a regular basis. Or it can manifest a power imbalance.

A good all-around decline could be:

Thank you for inviting me, I can’t make it
That’s so kind of you, and no thanks
I appreciate your offer of help, and no thanks

If the person presses you on why, try repeating the second clause of the decline. “I just can’t make it.” “No thanks.” “I said no thanks.” Trying to push past your boundary is itself a boundary violation.

In just about all of our classes we cover the fine art of Just Saying No. And, for younger tweens and teens, we have classes more finely tuned to those age group precisely because at different stages they will have different understandings of and skill-sets for boundaries, as well as more built-in power imbalances, as well as enhanced self-consciousness.

Speaking of which, we have a full schedule of in-person classes for the Fall, and I’ve even begun looking at my winter calendar. Classes for tweens, younger teens, older teens. And, of course, classes for those more independent and still seeing more maturity.

What do you think? How well does this comic strip characterize the declining skills of the age groups, in your experience? How do you decline invitations, and how’s that changed over your life so far?

Stay safe, live life.

September 29, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Time for a Bystander Intervention Success Story

security, Uncategorized, women's self defense, violence against women, verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills

Today is Wednesday, Sept 22, 2021. The first day of Autumn! It’s like a week or so ago someone flipped a switch, and virtually overnight we went from Summer to Fall. That’s just the way seasons change in the Emerald City.

In last week’s class a participant shared a bystander intervention success story. She has this neighbor who, when he sees young kids or smallish older women walking by on the street, aggressively approaches them. He would yell profanities, gesticulate menacingly, and try to get uncomfortably close. Those targeted, their reactions were — not surprisingly — fearful; they’d try to make themselves smaller, sometimes even apologize, and try to back away as quickly as possible. Angry yelling dude

This student had had enough of the spectacle. One recent day the neighbor had begun his rant on yet another older woman walking her small dog. My student strode near to him (keeping distance of course) and told him to leave, to stop harassing people. Yes she did raise her voice. The neighbor was taken aback, and he left. And, ever since then, whenever he sees my student, he retreats back to the safety of his own abode.

We had been doing more work with bystander intervention since the beginning of the pandemic in our virtual classes. It is a valuable skill so I’ll be bringing it more into my longer classes (those would be the 5 hour Self-Defense Seminar and the 6 week Self-Defense 101).

A lot of us envision bystander intervention as something scary we would do with angry strangers on the street, or bus, or grocery store. And those instances are important. Most opportunities, however, will arise in more familiar settings, and involve people we know. People with whom we’ve some history, and can often guess their reactions. And it’s great to learn and practice some skills to make your day-to-day living smoother and more peaceful. I’ve got a full range of classes coming up this fall, and I’m slowly getting my winter offering up online.

Do you have a bystander intervention success story you’d like to share?

Stay safe, live life.

September 22, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Oopsies and Ouchies

Seattle self defense class, Uncategorized

Good morning, today is Wednesday Sept 15, 2021. It’s another pleasant late summer morning in the glorious Emerald City. Tonight begins Yom Kippur, or Day of Atonement, the most significant of all Jewish holidays. A time for reflections, on forgiveness, on atonement, on resolving to do better this coming year, to be a better person this coming year.

One approach to becoming a better person could be how we handle the “oopsies and ouchies” that sometimes pop up in interactions. For instance, one person uses a phrase that perhaps they’ve heard all their lives and never really thought about what it meant, and it contains words that negatively reference the identity of someone else — a friend, a co-worker, family member — who is standing right there. In an ideal world, that would not have happened, but we don’t live in that ideal world. In my next-best world, the listener would be comfortable pointing out the phrase as derogatory, and the person who uttered it would be amenable to upgrading their language, in part because both listener’s and speaker’s intent would be to maintain a good relationship. Because, in my next-best world, acknowledging oopsies and ouchies is what people would do, with the hope of creating a healthier community together.

I used to hear the phrase “that’s so gay!” to refer to something considered stupid. Rarely do I hear that these days. A lot of people are good with asking others to upgrade their language in certain situations.

This notion is fundamental to understanding communication. True communication is not just what is said, it is also what is heard. Yes intent is important, and so is the impact on the listener.

For this to work, participants actually have to agree that they want to get along and make an effort. That the impact of one’s actions, even well-intentioned actions, can adversely affect someone else. Are you willing to consider that?

We look at these issues and skills in some of our classes, esp the six-week Self-Defense 101 course.

Wishing you a happy, healthy, and fulfilling New Year! Stay safe, live life.

September 15, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Got Elephant In The Room?

verbal safety skills, self defense issue, self determination, how to recognize abuse, personal safety planning, preventing violence, perpetrators, verbal self defense, personal safety

The final day in March, 2021, is another nice, sunny day in the glorious Emerald City. I love sunshine. Rain and darkness certainly have their essential restorative qualities, and inspire me to appreciate the contrasting clarity and brightness of daylight even more. And, on a more metaphorical level, yes of course it connects with self-defense, this IS a self-defense page, of course I’m going to talk about self-defense. To daylight something is to bring it to awareness, to attention. Usually that something is that which many people would rather ignore, like the elephant in the room.

This is coming up, again, in the wake of a slew of assaults committed against persons of Asian descent living in America. Yes, this America, land of the free and home of the brave. I’ve been reading that many of those targeted are reluctant to come forward, to report the assaults. To possibly bring further unwanted attention to themselves. There’s a hope that if nobody talks about the elephant, the elephant will go back to sleep in its corner (until the next time).

Of all the people in the metaphorical room, some may ignore the elephant because they’re unaware of the presence of the elephant because they personally are not impacted. Others because not only are they personally not affected, they are also choosing not to pay attention because it’s not important to them. And some because not only are they not personally impacted, they don’t think it’s a serious or even a real impact for anyone.

If a person not personally affected by the elephant can successfully ignore that elephant, they have some power (the word privilege can also used here) whether they want to acknowledge it or not. If they can define another person’s concerns as insignificant, well that’s more power. If a person can successfully silence those voicing concerns about that elephant, they have real power and privilege. elephant in the room

To ignore the elephant when you are profoundly impacted, isn’t that fear of someone else’s power. Fear of retaliation, of consequences for inconveniencing someone more privileged who doesn’t want to deal with your elephant. There are many situations where using one’s voice at that instant is the best tool, but others where timing is also important.

Seattle-based author and activist Ijeoma Oluo wrote this article about living in fear and living anyways, about silence not helping her. Even though the article is almost two years old, it reads as relevant today as it did then. She also talks about the love and support she’s received from her communities to get her through the hate and death threats.

A significant reason many others don’t speak up is they feel they do NOT have that kind of support. And the burden to speak up should not fall solely with the victim, especially as we know they could be opening themselves to further threats and danger. Because they are not the problem. The problem lies with those committing violence and as well as with people who enable them directly, and indirectly encourage conditions that promote violence.

And violence thrives in silence.

Those of us who see the elephant but are not directly impacted also need to speak up for what is right and provide support.

Not sure where to begin? Try one of these Bystander/Upstander Intervention Trainings.

STAY SAFE, LIVE LIFE

March 31, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Being “Nice” vs Setting Boundaries?

self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills, boundary setting

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

Although many students in class already get this, a good number don’t. Or intellectually get the idea, but it isn’t yet incorporated into their lives.

I would rather have my coffee constrained in the boundaries of the mug, than free-form over all over the table.

“Being nice” versus setting boundaries. The two are not mutually exclusive. They do not form opposite ends of a dichotomy. This is not “Godzilla vs. King Kong.”

Being nice and setting boundaries are two completely distinct concepts.

I looked up “nice” in a thesaurus. Synonyms include: good, pleasant, agreeable, enjoyable, delightful, good-natured and charming. I didn’t see anything about being a doormat or not setting boundaries.

A boundary is a noun, an object. “Setting” a boundary is acting on that object. Nothing there refers to niceness. Nothing.

You can set firm boundaries in a nice way. You can set weak boundaries in a snarky way. You can set boundaries in many different ways. Setting boundaries itself is neither “nice” nor “nasty.” It’s the words you use, the body language, the tone of voice, that determines the level of niceness.

And, if the other person objects just to having a boundary set, it really does not matter how you set them. They will object to any boundary, and I would seriously consider limiting my connection with that person.

If you are one of those who struggles to set an appropriate boundary, try this exercise. Take out some paper and a pen. Write down what you can say (and how to say it) that really does NOT set a boundary; it’s more submissive, and you are hoping that the other person will take the hint without you having to actually set a boundary. Then write down a brusque and pointed way of setting that same boundary, also complete with body language and tone of voice.

Now start filling in the middle — change some of what made the second one abrasive to smooth it out, and change some of what made the submissive one too weak to strengthen your message. Envision your body language, and what the distance between you should look like. You can do this! We do practice this in our self-defense classes.

Stay safe, live life.

March 18, 2021/by Joanne Factor

“Special Sauce” Intervention That Worked

healthy relationships, abuse, verbal self defense, personal safety, using your voice in self defense, verbal abuse

I used to work a regular 9 to 5 job, before shifting my focus on teaching self-defense. A feature of many regular jobs is having co-workers. Some you like, some you get along with, and others, not so much. At one job I had two co-workers who really did not like each other, we’ll call them Sally and Nicky. They pretty much did the same tasks for different supervisors, but often disagreed on processes. And every so often, their disagreements would get a bit loud. Specifically, Sally would get loud.

Now, when Sally got loud it wasn’t just that her vocal volume went up. She began verging on, and often crossed over into, verbal abrasiveness, even abuse. That’s not really surprising. When we take on expressions of anger, such as raising our voices, the emotion — even if we don’t intend it — will often also rise. (We discuss that in our self-defense classes, as one reaso Two co-workers who dislike each other, an intervention may need to happen. n why using your voice is so important.) Sally would ALWAYS deny that she was angry, her voice just got naturally happened to get loud. But the reality was, it didn’t JUST get loud. She’d begin throwing in derogatory comments on the other person’s overall competence and intelligence.

One day Sally and Nicky began one of their discussion just outside my cubicle. As usual, it began in quiet tones, but within a couple of minutes Sally’s voice began to rise. I got up from my desk, walked over, looked each of them in the face, and said, “indoor voices, please.” Then went back to my desk. They kept it down for another minute, but then Sally’s voice again began rising. Again, I walked over and said in a firmer tone, “indoor voices please.” This time the remainder of the conversation was held in conversational tones.

Later that day Nicky thanked me for intervening. Because Sally’s voice never rose to the point of agitation, she didn’t get to that verbally abusive level.

I’m not saying this will work in any and all situations. I had insider knowledge, a “special sauce.” I knew the participants well enough to recognize that Sally did value the appearance of appropriate workplace behavior. I also believe she thought I had influence with the bigger boss. Those two factors probably contributed a LOT to why my “special sauce” intervention worked.

One critical aspect of bystander intervention is that while intervention is important, in our ideal world we’d all interact with other people in non-harmful manners, we’d all have that level of self-awareness and care. In that ideal world, we would not have to intervene, but if we did we’d be more comfortable and confident doing so. Maybe we’d all know and care about our friends and colleagues, so we have our own “special sauces” that would appeal to their better selves. We don’t live in that ideal world, so how do we signal to others joining our social and work groups that our norms are more respectful and non-harmful? We explicitly state those boundaries and expectations, we hold each other (as well as ourselves) accountable for actions, and we have appropriate consequences for inappropriate behavior.

I personally never overheard a Sally and Nicky argument after that. Unfortunately, they did continue, out of my earshot, because it seemed I was the only one to speak up. Was I the only person who had the recipe for the “special sauce?” No, but apparently I was the only one not too uncomfortable speaking up. So even if you feel let off the hook because someone else already said something, no you are actually not off the hook. Please consider how to do your part to create a safer environment, so you can lessen the odds that you’ll ever have to use your more drastic self-defense skills.

February 17, 2021/by Joanne Factor

Getting Caught in the “Conversation Web”

perpetrators, self defense, abuse, verbal self defense, personal safety, verbal safety skills

All of us have had difficult conversations with friends, co-workers, family, etc., where we’ve had to set boundaries. Maybe, in the course of such boundary-setting, the other person took exception and voiced their objections, and you left shaking your head, feeling verbally or emotionally beat up. You’ve just experienced the “conversation web.”

There are many reasons to set boundaries, as well as many possible reactions. The other person may just say OK, and respect your boundaries. They may say OK, but often “forget” (maybe just because they forget, or they’re doing it deliberately). They may be surprised or puzzled because this isn’t something you’ve done in the past.

Or they may express surprise, sorrow, or anger. Among the reasons (and this is NOT a comprehensive list) could be:

fear that you are looking to end a friendship/relationship that they still value
you are looking to change some of your habits that no longer are good for you, but they know you that way (and even may be enablers or co-dependent) and see this as a loss for them
they are manipulative, and manipulators just hate it when they hit boundaries

So they get aggressive. One tactic they may use is the “conversation web.”

You’re chatting with one other person, and they are standing too close for your comfort. You set a boundary. “Hey, my space bubble is a bit bigger than yours,” you tell them as you take a half-step back and bring your hands in front. “I’m more comfortable here.” Most people will just say OK, and leave it at that. But this person takes offense and challenges you. “What, do I smell bad? It was OK yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. Chris and Jamie are OK with it, why aren’t you? That’s just RUDE! Are you PMSing? You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re just too sensitive! I thought we were friends. You are SO selfish! That attitude is messed up. No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

This is the “PARTING SHOT,” where they shoot back negatives hoping to deflate you. It really isn’t about you at all. It’s just them taking their frustrations out on you for daring to have boundaries that are inconvenient (for them). And you can get caught trying to justify why, but no explanation seems good enough for them.

The antidote? The “BROKEN RECORD.” Saying the same phrase over and over and over and over.

Because the whole conversation web is not the other person trying to get to know you better via your explanation. It’s all about you handing over your explanation so it can be shot back at you.

Here’s a dialog about how this would work, taking the statements from above:

THEM: What, do I smell bad?