October and More Domestic Violence Awareness

, , , , ,

We’re already half-way through October.  This very month, not just this year but a few years in recent history, has been designated Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Last week I wrote about DVAM and Halloween, and today’s related topic is one I always find interesting. About 9 years ago I went through a DV training. Not a one-day workshop, but a whole course on domestic violence. The purpose of the course was to educate community members about DV, also train people who worked in other agencies about best practices when their clients were also struggling with DV, and to help the agency running the course develop their volunteer base. It was something I’d wanted to do for years, because the single biggest risk of physical harm facing women is DV.  Just over half of murdered women are killed by a current or former intimate partner. As a self-defense teacher, it seemed important to understand more about that risk and the social dynamics around it.

So I went through the course, and spent about 4 or 5 years as a volunteer. For the first year I staffed the crisis line. The crisis line is a great resource for people needing some immediate help. The single most common call we got, the most common question question asked, was “is there room in your shelter?” And the single most common answer we had was no, please call back later today or tomorrow. Because there was usually no room.  That was the answer, while I was there, almost all the time.

What I find interesting was that there was such a large demand for shelter, yet the vast majority of time we turned people away. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense — if there’s such a demand, why is there so little supply? I don’t know the answer.

When I think about self-care — and finding a safe place to stay certainly is self-care — I see five levels. The first is self-soothing behavior, what you can do to help manage the way you express or experience emotions (such as fear, anger, worry, sadness) to calm yourself. There’s resiliency activities, which have a large overlap with self-soothing behavior but they’re generally done on a regular basis to help the future you become more resilient; this often includes regular exercise, healthy eating habits, meditation, and creative activities. The third level is when do you seek the support of a professional: therapist, doctor, attorney, victim advocate, law enforcement.

The final two levels are not immediate personal self-care, but they create the conditions that determine what self-care options are available to you. Institutional support generally backs your professionals and volunteer advocates. And structural/societal care is the bigger picture of what projects are deemed by “society” as more important. That’s where we find, relative to need, few resources allocated to domestic violence agencies in terms of budget that could fund it, such as for real estate, salaries for staff, food and clothing (not just shelter), legal aid, and programming to help clients get back on their feet.

How do we change that? We in Washington State have our voter pamphlets, and ballots are on their way. Do your due diligence. Make it a resiliency activity, which means you’ll do this every year. Which candidates are supporting funding and programs you care about? Support them, and vote.

You can also take our six-week course, Self-Defense 101. We go into on the dynamics of domestic and dating violence, on recognizing the red flags of abusive behavior how to navigate some of the landmines around DV and our legal system, because once you get into it, it’s not pretty at all. Next 101 classes will begin in January/February 2022, next year already!

Stay safe, live life!

/by

Book Review: Ditch That Jerk, by Pamela Jayne

, , , , ,

This book was recommended by a student.  She had left her abusive husband about a year earlier, and since then has been reading everything she could get her hands on about domestic violence.  Not only does she strongly recommend this book, she’s bought multiple copies and given them to friends who she thinks need to read it.

Really, everybody should read this book. Consider this: over 25% of all women have been, are, or will be involved with an abusive partner sometime in their lives.  Even if that person is not you, it was, is, or will be someone you know.  I often ask students if they’ve know anyone who’s experienced abuse. Most of the time most students raise their hands. Sometimes only half the class raises their hands.  Sometimes everyone raises their hands. Even in classes for teen girls, most of them already have a friend who’s experienced dating violence.

Pamela Jayne clearly depicts what abuse is, and how it is distinguished from other normal human behaviors that may be immature, petty, selfish, stubborn, or disagreeable. She points out the early warning signs, or “red flags,” of abuse. She goes into great detail, with lots of real examples, of the various ploys and manipulations used by abusive men to justify, deny, or blame someone else for what they’ve done. And she is clear that in order for an abuser to change, they need to take full responsibility for their behavior and really want to change.

Jayne divides the world of abusive men into three camps: the potentially good, the bad, and the hopeless. While they do have a lot in common, there are several important differences that predict whether or not any given abuser may change his abusive ways. This is an important part of the book, since so many women stay with their abuser because they believe they can change him, or if only they were better girlfriends or wives he wouldn’t be abusive, or even that it’s their obligation to stay and not abandon him. Jayne is clear that change is very hard, the abuser has to be willing to put in a lot of work and face some very unpleasant facets of his approach to life, and that not many will change. All the willpower and good intentions and love of the wife or girlfriend won’t make someone else change.

The potentially good man (who is less likely to use physical violence and usually does not have an alcohol/drug problem) may change if he realizes the emotional costs of his behavior and its impact on people he cares about, and takes responsibility for his own actions. However, those men who seem to constantly swim in chaos, who have trouble holding a job, who have substance abuse issues, and who believe they are life’s victims are unlikely to change.  And those who totally lack empathy, who use violence freely, chronically lie whenever it’s in his interest, and is routinely manipulative, are deemed hopeless. (Other authors, such as Martha Stout, have labeled those who fit this “hopeless” category as sociopaths.)

Ditch That Jerk is well written and easily comprehended. It is a fairly short book, and can be read thoroughly in a weekend (or several weeknights). It’s very suitable for young women, including those in their late teens, who may be less certain what abuse is or what their rights in a relationship are. I highly recommend this book, whether you believe you need it or not.

/by